I find it difficult to stand up for what I believe because of fear. I am very peaceful person, and get very anxious when conflicting with others.

wanabe wrote:Bermudj,

Anxiousness is freedom entering the body.

I wish you were right but that is not the case. I have been suffering from generalized anxiety disorder for the past 10 years. I have had all sort of anxiety symptoms. Hallucinations are bad because having images inside my head, or noises inside my head is very disturbing. But much worse are the bouts of excessive urination or defecating. It is comparable to having diarrhoea for 10 solid years.

I can assure you that has nothing to do with freedom.

wanabe wrote:Bermudj,

Since you can admit that to me I'm sure you are on your way to freedom.

I'd love to get into how all this started so I could help you, but you might already be paying for that service.

Surely this is different, overcoming the anxiety has given me more freedom. This is different to what you initially wrote
"Anxiousness is freedom entering the body". I am also well aware that we may write something, but we mean something different. This comes from the fact that the meaning of a word depends on the individual.

If you are willing to give free suggestions on how I can speed up coming out of that mode I will be very grateful. The truth is that I did pay for some assistance, but it was money down the drain. And I gave up with the psychiatrists and psychologists of the NHS. I saw 5 in all they were just too inexperienced.

wanabe wrote:Bermudj,

Bermudj wrote:Surely this is different, overcoming the anxiety has given me more freedom. This is different to what you initially wrote
"Anxiousness is freedom entering the body". I am also well aware that we may write something, but we mean something different. This comes from the fact that the meaning of a word depends on the individual.

I had not applied it to you yet; that is all. Individuality is key.

The best things in life are free, so the saying goes anyway... When did this start? (PM me and we can work together).

Hi wanabe,

I would prefer to carry on the exchange in the forum. I am sure others who read about it may learn something from it. Unless you or others strongly object.

It began in the year 2002. At the time I began to worry, and I did not handle the worry at the time, so it built up. I only began handling the worry in the year 2008.

The worry in 2002 was that up to that point I had been a very shy man who did very badly at job interviews. So the body worried, the anxiety built up, Bipolar-I struck. In the year 2007 I managed to get back to work, by a whisker, and since then I began working at my person to remove the shyness, and do better at job interviews.

I am 53 and I began to change my pshycology at the age of 49. So it is quite understandable that it will take some time to change a psychology of 49 years. I tend to see the GAD as my body reminding me. Basically it is telling me, you abandoned me for 49 years, don't go and do that again.

I would be appreciate any suggestions.

wanabe wrote:If live unadulterated transparency and public service are paramount to you then let's keep it public.

Yes this is important to me. I like openness and transparency.

wanabe wrote:If that is the case you should make a new thread based on what you have told the forums so far; so that this one isn't taken over by us. Copy and paste the conversation thus far into the first post. There is an interviews section where it would just be you and I; perhaps Scott would allow us to speak in there.

Well I have just spent sometime looking into this, but as you point out it seems Scott has the magic wand here. I could not see a way of creating a topic on the interviews section.

wanabe wrote:What brought about this worry? Did you come to the realization that you had certain traits at this point? Was it a particular interview where some one told you something that made you think this? Was it an overall reaction you revived from a large number of potential employers? Is it some thing you personally suspected was holding you back?

Up to the age of 40 I had worked at various academic institutes. These various posts I had obtained by pure luck. I had done very badly at the interviews, but in one way or another I had been given the work. I would later on hear that I was in there because someone was needed. In one interview the interviewer said something like "he had never come across someone so stupid". In another interview the person leading the interview was so enraged that he nearly through me out of the room.

At round about the age of 42 I was trying to earn a living working as free lance programmer. I then had a problem with my neck, which stopped me from programming.

At this point the worry began to develop.

And also naturally I used to think myself the most stupid person on earth.

wanabe wrote:Bermudj,

Surly your work was not given by pure luck. You must have had some sort of credentials to be considered to teach at the various academic institutes.

Yes I happen to have a First Class honours from Universtiy College London (UCL) in statistics and computing. This was what opened doors for me, because as I have said at the time I just did not have the words to convince an interviewer that I was the right candidate for the job.

wanabe wrote:But further back, what did you do before you were teaching?

My first job, quite late at the age of 19 was a a petrol attendant. This was a summer job whilst I was doing the degree in statistics and computing.

Then I began a PhD. in computing. This is when I began to realise that something was wrong with me. I spent 5 years at it, never got anywhere. I would work like mad, but with that shyness and poor comunication skills I got nowhere. This is many years where I saw others finish their PhDs and I began losing confidence in myself, having great doubts about myself and my abilities.

After this. Actually I was kicked out from UCL because of my lack of progress on the PhD, I obtained my first of lucky teaching jobs at the Poly. of North London.

wanabe wrote:At what year did you turn 40?

1998

I would later on hear that I was in there because someone was needed.

wanabe wrote:How did this make you feel?

That I just managed to suvive.

In one interview the interviewer said something like "he had never come across someone so stupid".

wanabe wrote:How did this make you feel?

This one I did not pay too much attention, because the job itself I was not too interested in.

In another interview the person leading the interview was so enraged that he nearly through me out of the room.

wanabe wrote:How did this make you feel?

This was an interview for promotion within the department, I was a lecturer and applied for a senior lecturer post. It re-emphasize my thoughts that something was wrong with me and that is why I did so badly at interviews. By that time, I was 36 and I would hear and see how many others seemed to have no difficulty in obtaining work, in all fields, but for some reason or other which at the time I could not work out, I made a real mess of obtaining work.

At round about the age of 42 I was trying to earn a living working as free lance programmer. I then had a problem with my neck, which stopped me from programming.

wanabe wrote:How did this make you feel?

I was completely at a loss. The software was selling well, I had agents which would sell the package, and they kept on demanding updates, but I could not program because of the neck ache. This was quite severe, I had to wear a soft collar for a good 6 months and keep well away from sitting infront of a computer to program. Well actually sitting to watch television would bring on the pain.

Given my past history, doing badly at interviews, I felt that this programming was my only source of income and that I would have to give it up due to the problems with the cervical.

At this point is where I began to worry, until the GAD manifested itself. I had all of these very weird sensations inside my body. Given that they were movements, inside the body, I thought it may be neurological. So I went to see some neurologists. It was the third one who told me that what I was suffering was from anxiety and that I should go and see a psychiatrist. I had various encephalograms done, as well as brain scan. But as the third neurologist pointed out, I was wasting my time and money on all of those analysis, what I was suffering from was anxiety.


And also naturally I used to think myself the most stupid person on earth.

wanabe wrote:Most importantly when did this start?

I began thinking I was stupid when I struggled at the PhD. Thinking myself the most stupid person in the world, possibly in my early 30s where I was holding on to the job of lecturer but I struggled.

wanabe wrote:Do you think that the worries at the point of not being able to program were purely financial?

No I had good savings then.

wanabe wrote:Did you feel cornered after being denied other jobs?

Yes.

wanabe wrote:What things make you happy? Are you happy now in general? Where do you live? What are your conditions there? Do you live alone?

Having a purpose.
No. I would be happy once this GAD goes.
In Kilburn, London
Fairly secure area, residential, and I am able to live within very tight means.
Yes

I have been going to a company called Remploy, they work with people who have disabilities, assisting them with finding work. I had a mock interview session. I did quite well, nevertheless there were times when I needed to be prompted for an answer.

The way I see it is that the more practice I get at these situations the more the GAD will go. I take no medication at all. I have had some anxiolytics but they have done nothing. Maybe I could try some natural herbs.

Any suggestions? Apart from carrying on exposing myself to my insecurities. That is what I have been doing. Thanks for your time.

wanabe wrote:First and foremost, to give the best answers I'm going to need at least one more line of questioning, this does mean potentially exposing your insecurities.

If you could describe your first experience(that you can remember) of being worried or shy.

At round about the age of 8. I would go red like a tomato and other children would pick on how easily I would blush.

The way I tend to see this is that I had a psychology which is was very punitive with me. If I made the tiniest of mistakes I would be petrified. So when the teacher would ask a question and I was not sure of the answer then I would become exceedingly anxious. Much later on, when I was 19, I remember an incident when I dropped a pack of punched cards in a classroom, I felt the heat in my face as I must have gone red like a traffic light.

I did not do any about this until roughly the age of 49, when I would find that just simply giving my opinion on life issues would make me anxious.

I have overcomed a lot of the anxiety in this situations by putting myself there and talking to the body. So if I dropped something, I immediately would speak to the body, "don't worry, anyone can drop something". I should have began addressing these issues when I was 18 or thereabouts.

wanabe wrote:Even if there was trouble with the technical work you should not compare your self to others. No matter who you are there are people, or will be people, better than you at what ever it is you're best at. What matters is that you continue to strive for your personal greatness, and pass your personal goals. If computer science(computing) was a source of happiness to you, go back to school, or continue to study it independently; just obtain the books they use and teach your self.

I agree entirely with you.

wanabe wrote:As far as any sort of medicine, it's not going to cure you(What drugs have you tried? list any and all).

Rispedal, Sinogan, Fluoxetine, Propanolol.

wanabe wrote:Essentially what you need is to feel appreciated by others or more precisely on a personal level is to realize that you create your own self worth. The treatment I would recommend is socialization with: lovers, friends, family, neighbors.

Yes I agree entirely with your thoughts and treatment. I have been doing this, for about the past 5 years. What I have found is that I had to work very hard at fighting the old psychology, it kept on coming back. The new psychology is beginning to settle in. I have always been very independent and self-reliant, but I have began to realize that we are social creatures. And we need to socialize.

Thank you for all your help, I hope you also gained something from it.

wanabe wrote:We could talk about your childhood however I don't think you would like to get that personal in public. For now I'll leave you to find your way on the road to recovery. If you ever want more advice PM me.

Thanks.

The way I tend to see what happens when we are children is that it is dependent on each individual. I went to a Jesuit school and the way I as a child observed the teaching was that to make a mistake was a massive sin.

I in no way neither blame the Jesuits, nor do I blame my parents for having sent me to that school.

I know that with me there were many other children in that class and they would have assimilated the schooling very differently.

There are lots out there which have "blame someone else" mentality, but that is to me completely pointless. What I have found interesting as I have been battling this GAD is that we humans are able to correct our insides.

From this I extrapolate that those stuck with "blame someone" mentality go on the path of destroying what they blame.

What are your thoughts on this final sentence?

wanabe wrote:

Bermudj wrote:From this I extrapolate that those stuck with "blame someone" mentality go on the path of destroying what they blame.

I'm not sure if destroy is the best word choice, but given the context, I know what you mean and, in context, agree.

May I extend this?

And unable to destroy what they blame, they will destroy themselves.

Ablity24 wrote:Think about this, using this reasoning, it is possible for a person that is truely racist, to speak out against racism....how? If you read this post, you can tell me

I have met many who speak out against this and that and they are the first ones who do not believe it.

Gaebriel wrote:In cases like bullying, or speaking out against some kind of behavior that you feel to be inappropriate

Entirely agree

Gaebriel wrote:I imagine that one of the reasons it is difficult is because you know you are greatly outnumbered by the people you are speaking against.

Not necessarily. You may be speaking only against one person, but those around you will not your take your side, they will take the side of the bullier.

Stanley Huang wrote:Because what you believe in may not be right, and I often feel that humans may not be able to get certain clarity.

This depends on the individual. There are many who care less and even though what they believe in is not right, they will have no trouble sticking by it.