Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

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Feudd
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Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by Feudd »

Hi, this is my first post here so forgive me if this is a trivial question.

One big dilemma I've always had is related the meaning of niceness or selflessness in a way, which is something I try to be.

I try to treat everyone I meet as nicely as possible, helping them when they need help, including them when they feel left out, etc. I say try here, because I am not always successful and/or consistent in this.

But in doing this, I sometimes find people who try to take advantage of my willingness to help. Most of the time I am aware of this, but I help anyway, for reasons I will explain.

So my personal belief is that if you follow true selflessness (which is impossible but sometthing I and others might strive for) then that even means helping those that seek to take advantage of you. That's why I try to help anyone I can, even if they are bad people.

However naturally the question arises of whether its worth it.

Just wanted to see where you guys sit on this issue, and hear some views different from mine.

Thanks :)
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Leon
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by Leon »

Hi, please do a search on tit-for-tat strategy. Only being nice is not a good strategy. However you can also decide to take the consequences if you are able not to suffer from being taken advantage of.
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AceOfBlades
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by AceOfBlades »

Do as you can live most easily with yourself doing. Let not society nor common sense dictate your actions or beliefs, unless you are content to allow them to do so.
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LuckyR
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by LuckyR »

Feudd wrote:Hi, this is my first post here so forgive me if this is a trivial question.

One big dilemma I've always had is related the meaning of niceness or selflessness in a way, which is something I try to be.

I try to treat everyone I meet as nicely as possible, helping them when they need help, including them when they feel left out, etc. I say try here, because I am not always successful and/or consistent in this.

But in doing this, I sometimes find people who try to take advantage of my willingness to help. Most of the time I am aware of this, but I help anyway, for reasons I will explain.

So my personal belief is that if you follow true selflessness (which is impossible but sometthing I and others might strive for) then that even means helping those that seek to take advantage of you. That's why I try to help anyone I can, even if they are bad people.

However naturally the question arises of whether its worth it.

Just wanted to see where you guys sit on this issue, and hear some views different from mine.

Thanks :)
In order to advise you correctly I need to know how you feel when you help someone who is taking advantage of you.
"As usual... it depends."
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Misty
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by Misty »

Feudd wrote:Hi, this is my first post here so forgive me if this is a trivial question.

One big dilemma I've always had is related the meaning of niceness or selflessness in a way, which is something I try to be.

I try to treat everyone I meet as nicely as possible, helping them when they need help, including them when they feel left out, etc. I say try here, because I am not always successful and/or consistent in this.

But in doing this, I sometimes find people who try to take advantage of my willingness to help. Most of the time I am aware of this, but I help anyway, for reasons I will explain.

So my personal belief is that if you follow true selflessness (which is impossible but sometthing I and others might strive for) then that even means helping those that seek to take advantage of you. That's why I try to help anyone I can, even if they are bad people.

However naturally the question arises of whether its worth it.

Just wanted to see where you guys sit on this issue, and hear some views different from mine.

T hanks :)
It is not being 'nice' to help someone you know is using you as this will help them perfect their abuse of you and other people.


Letting yourself be used by another person is not being 'nice' to yourself.

You say you help people even if 'they are bad people' - It depends on what kind of help you are giving them that makes your help a nice gesture.
Things are not always as they appear; it's a matter of perception.

The eyes can only see what the mind has, is, or will be prepared to comprehend.

I am Lion, hear me ROAR! Meow.
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Felix
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by Felix »

However naturally the question arises of whether its worth it.
So then you have an ulterior motive for your niceness? Are you for striving for sainthood or what?
"We do not see things as they are; we see things as we are." - Anaïs Nin
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Skydude
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by Skydude »

Being nice to somebody is not the same as doing someone good. When you choose to help someone that you know is just using your kindness for their own gain not only are you being foolish but you are also harming them by enabling them to perfect the use of their abusive behavior. In doing all of this you have not only done harm to yourself and the one that is abusing you but also you have done harm to all those that are taken advantage of after you have been used for whatever it is you offer. The choice comes down to the individual when deciding to help someone but the actual effects of your kindness needs to be considered before being blindly generous as it can have negative effects as well as positive.
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Sy Borg
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by Sy Borg »

There is a danger of becoming an enabler, encouraging destructive behaviours.
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Skydude
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by Skydude »

Thank you greta for explaining that much better than I.
Gary S
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by Gary S »

It is ironic that if this same question of niceness was posed concerning the vast welfare system, the answers above would be entirely different. Enablers are enablers, regardless of the scale of the endeavor.
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Skydude
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by Skydude »

I am on disability and I really wish I could help out in the economy of the country but I cannot survive without the help of ssdi. It would be nice if there was some kind of program where you can work the days your able and that money is put back as taxes to the state as for welfare people should be required to go through programs that rehabilitate them and put them back into working society. Another thing is that in some areas the cost of living is so high that if you dont have A nine to five job you have trouble making ends meet and for many being single parents or those that do have minor disabilities(like A broken back or something) the welfare system is needed. I do agree though there are many people who backpack off of the tax payers money when they should be helping themselves So yes I suppose the argument can go both ways.
Wilson
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by Wilson »

Feudd, I think that it's great that you want to be good to everyone. Now, everyone has his own idea as to who is worthy of compassion. My own view is that not everyone is. I try to be nice to everyone unless I find out that someone isn't a decent person, at which point I have no further interest in helping him. I think that it's in your own interest to also develop a worthiness antenna, and while you don't have to try to hurt those who have shown themselves to be unworthy, I encourage you to ignore their needs. This is for your own benefit, so that you won't feel like a patsy. My guess is that you hate confrontations, and indeed they can be unpleasant. But you can usually avoid confrontations by simply being polite but unhelpful to the bad guys. Jesus said to turn the other cheek - but he didn't always; remember his anger at the money lenders. He found them unworthy of his compassion, and you should draw your own line. You can continue to have the self-satisfaction of being good to others even if you don't help those who don't deserve it.
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Andy7671
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by Andy7671 »

How do you define worthy.

A meth addicted ex soldier decorated for valour whose lost all social skills or a polite but lazy college dropout.
It makes me feel good to give or help. If that person is sullen upon receipt of my deeds, truthfully I would probably think "Ungrateful %^&*" when the reality is they are passed caring about food or warmth and deserve more compassion. Maybe my actions are just to make me feel better about myself.
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WhereIwant2b
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Re: Niceness vs being taken advantage of?

Post by WhereIwant2b »

"Nice" is a more a matter of feeling than principle. A person wants think of themselves as helpful and self sacrificing but that gives the defining of nice to others. Can you imagine the awful consequences of nice being defined as always holding back to allow someone else to go first? If it was a desire commonly held, no one could ever get through a door because they would constantly be deferring to those deferring to them. In the opposite extreme, the nice person would never get through because no one would stop to make room as long as the nice person would tolerate. The end result of letting others define your values is inevitable resentment.

Maybe principles on issues rather than personal nicety needs cultivation. Then giving becomes something you do because you believe it is right and you wish to approve of your own behavior. If the consequences of living up to your own standards is that sometimes it is abused, it will not distress you because your goal is strictly your own behavior and you can take satisfaction from your success. The abuser is not your responsibility and you will feel free to end contact if needed without much worrying about it.
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