Am I a "controlling" person?

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Dperkinstx
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Am I a "controlling" person?

Post by Dperkinstx »

I've been married for 5 years. We're both in our mid-50's. We knew each-other for 15 years before we started dating. I knew she was a heavy drinker before we started dating. I told her I couldn't take the relationship any further because I'm not a drinker and can't deal with someone with a drinking problem. She assure me alcohol would not be an issue in our relationship.

My wife is in a monthly girls night out group. 3 times in the first 4 months, she drove home "slurring-her-speech" drunk. I demanded she quit drinking or quit the group. To her credit she did quit driving home drunk. However, she still drinks more than I'm comfortable with.

Throughout our marriage, I've tried to make compromises regarding how much is an acceptable amount to consume (ex. 2-3 drinks per week). She reluctantly agrees and conforms for a short period of time. Then she starts pushing the limit. 2-3 per week becomes 1/2 a bottle of wine per night. It culminates with her staying up all night doing shots with a stranger at a casino. I demand she slow down her drinking. This has been a once-or-twice-per-year occurrence throughout our marriage.

We're back to 2-3 times per week when she had to spend 6 months working out of town. She would fly out on Sunday and come home late Thursday. During that time she would have 2-3 drinks per DAY. When confronted about it, she replied, "what I do when you're not around shouldn't matter to you. Stop trying to control me!"

Long ago (before I knew her), my wife was a smoker. When she got pregnant with her first child, she quit. The entire time I knew her, she never smoked. I told her a few times during our relationship I never would have considered a relationship with her if she still smoked. At the end of her out of town work assignment, she started smoking again. I've refused to accept her smoking. I told her she has no right to bring that habit into our home. She still smokes, but hides it from me (smokes at work, etc.). Her response is "what I do when you're not around shouldn't matter to you. Stop trying to control me!"

My wife insists she won't quit smoking or drinking because I'm trying to control her. Am I a controlling person?
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Burning ghost
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Re: Am I a "controlling" person?

Post by Burning ghost »

No. Maybe you've made the mistake of thinking you can change people without their willing participation.

If she doesn't want to change that's her problem. If she thinks sneaking around and lying is okay then that is completely her fault and she's simply accusing you of being "controlling" in order to deflect the problem.

I get the impression the crux of the issue is she knows she needs you to keep her in check and yet she doesn't like that she cannot do it herself (or rather she's never taken responsibility herself.

Everyone has their faults. You wanting to give her a healthier and richer life is hardly a fault. I guess you find some value to your partnership together? If not what are you doing? Why post here? Talk to her or seek council is this is becoming a growing worry more and more in your life.
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Spectrum
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Re: Am I a "controlling" person?

Post by Spectrum »

A marriage is a contract and in modern society it is a signed legal contract agreed by both parties.
Other than terms specified in the marriage certificate, there are implied terms in any marriage contract that are not often spelled out.

In general each party must ensure they are in the best of health and well being to the best of their ability. As presented in your post, it would appear, health and well-being wise, your wife is not performing based on expected norms.

But expected norms are not automatically contractual and you knew she was a heavy drinker. It would appear your wife is having some addiction problems which need professional help or AA to cure. When your wife have addiction problem to drink and gamble, it would very difficult for her [even if she wants to] to comply with your expectations.
Without any written agreement, your forceful or repeated call for her to stop would in a way constitute controlling, even it for her own good.

I believe the best way is to threaten divorce since the problem is getting worser, but if she agree to keep the marriage, then you can insist on a written contract [preferably from a lawyer, of any one of authority] that she comply with your expectations, e.g. seek help, no more [or within defined limit] drinking, gambling, etc.
With a written agreement, there is no question of you controlling her, rather it is her who has to practice self-control to comply with the pre-agreed terms.

On the side, try to frighten her with the terrible pictures of damage liver, potential cancer, damaged brain with holes, etc. and hope that can jot her to normality.

Are you wrecking your brain? Chilling pictures reveal shocking effects of alcohol, cigarettes and even caffeine on the mind

Here is an image of a damaged brain with 'holes' due to alcohol;
Image
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Buggs
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Re: Am I a "controlling" person?

Post by Buggs »

You need to seek marriage counselling. This forum is for discussion of moral and ethical issues, it is not to fix your marriage.
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LuckyR
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Re: Am I a "controlling" person?

Post by LuckyR »

Dperkinstx wrote:I've been married for 5 years. We're both in our mid-50's. We knew each-other for 15 years before we started dating. I knew she was a heavy drinker before we started dating. I told her I couldn't take the relationship any further because I'm not a drinker and can't deal with someone with a drinking problem. She assure me alcohol would not be an issue in our relationship.

My wife is in a monthly girls night out group. 3 times in the first 4 months, she drove home "slurring-her-speech" drunk. I demanded she quit drinking or quit the group. To her credit she did quit driving home drunk. However, she still drinks more than I'm comfortable with.

Throughout our marriage, I've tried to make compromises regarding how much is an acceptable amount to consume (ex. 2-3 drinks per week). She reluctantly agrees and conforms for a short period of time. Then she starts pushing the limit. 2-3 per week becomes 1/2 a bottle of wine per night. It culminates with her staying up all night doing shots with a stranger at a casino. I demand she slow down her drinking. This has been a once-or-twice-per-year occurrence throughout our marriage.

We're back to 2-3 times per week when she had to spend 6 months working out of town. She would fly out on Sunday and come home late Thursday. During that time she would have 2-3 drinks per DAY. When confronted about it, she replied, "what I do when you're not around shouldn't matter to you. Stop trying to control me!"

Long ago (before I knew her), my wife was a smoker. When she got pregnant with her first child, she quit. The entire time I knew her, she never smoked. I told her a few times during our relationship I never would have considered a relationship with her if she still smoked. At the end of her out of town work assignment, she started smoking again. I've refused to accept her smoking. I told her she has no right to bring that habit into our home. She still smokes, but hides it from me (smokes at work, etc.). Her response is "what I do when you're not around shouldn't matter to you. Stop trying to control me!"

My wife insists she won't quit smoking or drinking because I'm trying to control her. Am I a controlling person?
My condolences. Your wife is either: 1) not marriage material, that is she is not interested in the compromises necessary (that she has promised to do) to join two different people into a single unit or 2) she has an addictive personality and she is currently powerless to accomplish what she is promising to do.

I am not seeing a positive outcome with the current relationship trajectory. A correction is needed.
"As usual... it depends."
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Albert Tatlock
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Re: Am I a "controlling" person?

Post by Albert Tatlock »

Spectrum wrote: if she agree to keep the marriage, then you can insist on a written contract [preferably from a lawyer, of any one of authority] that she comply with your expectations, e.g. seek help, no more [or within defined limit] drinking, gambling, etc.
What happens if she breaks the contract?
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