I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

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Kathyd
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I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Kathyd » December 19th, 2017, 7:00 pm

Hello everyone,

Recently I’ve been having some problems with my husband and was going to post to a ‘relationship board’ for advice, but as I’ve lurked here for awhile and have been impressed with the level of thought here, I’ve decided to ask here instead. Our background is that we’ve been married 9 years and are very much still in love. We’ve had our ups and downs, but or the most part it’s been wonderful and I’ve never had any doubts about him as my soulmate. In fact, this is probably the biggest issue we’ve had in our relationship to date.

So this “issue” with my husband began a few days ago, when out of the blue he began asking lots of questions about this certain guy friend of mine (Dan) that I’ve been friends with since high school. Dan was/is my best guy friend but we didn’t keep contact until about a year ago when I saw him at a party. We both work in the same industry (I model part-time and he’s a photographer with his own studio) so we had lots to talk about and we ended up exchanging numbers and agreeing to stay in touch. This was mostly for professional reasons, as he thought he could find me some work with various agencies, but since he lives closeby we also occasionally get together with some of our old friends for a few drinks or coffee. Nothing special, just hanging out and reminiscing about the past and stuff. Recently, we’ve also been doing some photoshoots together, since he’s trying to help me put together a good portfolio to find work.

So anyways, he suddenly started asking me all kinds of pointed questions about Dan. I was surprised because I’ve privated my friends list on facebook which only gives him access to friends we have in common. So I think he’s gotten into my phone and accessed my fb app. :( But he’s definitely snooping on me behind my back in some way because he knows a lot more about him than I told him. For example, even though I never told him who was helping me get back into modeling and shooting my portolios, he knew that it was Dan. I had only told him it was a “friend”, so he definitely must have some outside source of information. I even think he may have stooped so low as to have our neighbor spying on me, because he knew who was over here the other day and I see no other way he could have known that (there are no security cameras).

At any rate, he’s been acting really odd lately. I mean, I’ve assured him that I see Dan only as a friend and colleague, and he hasn’t accused me of anything directly, but I can tell by his actions, mood, and body language that he doesn’t trust me. It’s as if he’s really jealous of this guy for some reason, even tho I’ve never given him any reason to worry throughout our entire relationship. I have to admit that I haven’t told him any details yet even though he kind of pushed me, but I just don’t feel comfortable telling him everything so soon. Yes, we are married and very much in love, but his constant questioning makes me uncomfortable, like I’m under interrogation or something, and I end up getting defensive. I mean, he wants to know everything about this guy and our history, and under that kind of pressure I just don’t feel comfortable telling him everything all at once.

And his weird behavior is definitely not helping the situation. He is now calling me randomly and asking me where I am, who I’m with, and what not. It honestly makes me feel like I’m a criminal being tracked. He even got a little pissed off when my guy friend was over last Sunday. We were doing a photo shoot and hanging out with other friends. I told him the truth and told him we were just hanging out and that other people were there, which was the truth, and I would never lie. But he still got upset just because my guy friend happened to be there!

I’m really mad about him possibly getting into my phone because its my privacy so I changed the password (not just a 4-digit number). However, I haven’t confronted him about this yet, as I have no proof and I’m afraid of provoking his bad temper. But it really angers me that he doesn’t trust me and that he’d snoop on me like that. For the record, I trust my husband and would never snoop on him, and he knows this and also knows that I expect the same in return from him.

I know that Dan and I are platonic friends because when we started hanging out together again, and especially after we started working together, it was flirting. I’ve toned down on the flirting and am acting more friendly and professional. What do you think I should do? I want to confront him about his snooping, but he has a really bad temper, and so I don’t want to say anything too “confrontational”.

Ecurb
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb » December 19th, 2017, 7:08 pm

One of the glorious things about having a lover is that one tries to live up to his (or her) exalted image of one. In your case, that clearly means you should have an affair with Dan.

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Littlemoon » December 19th, 2017, 8:24 pm

I just think you need to assure your husband nothing is going on but if he is getting jealous I think that will only get worse. The only remedy I forsee is to just stop communicating with this Dan, or have a really hard talk with your husband. Sometimes a real heart to heart helps, and stomping your foot too.

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Atreyu
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Atreyu » December 19th, 2017, 10:27 pm

Well, I'm sorry OP, but if I was your husband I would be suspicious too. You're actions are shady and would make any guy suspicious. First, you keep your facebook friends a secret from your own husband? Really!? I find it really odd that after 9 years of marriage you would do this, and I'm sure your husband does too. And then you change your phone p/w?! That's sure to alleviate any of his concerns. And then you haven't told him anything at all about Dan, even after a year?! That's really shady. No wonder your husband is suspicious of this guy.

You should tell your husband about this guy and your relationship with him. If there's nothing wayward going on, as you say, then why would you feel uncomfortable telling him "everything at once". Makes no sense at all. Just explain to him that you're old friends and that he's helping you get back into modeling. What's so hard about that?

Of course, his snooping is a separate issue and you should definitely talk to him about that, but only if you are willing to open up to him about your guy friend. Otherwise, you're complaining will only make him more suspicious.

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by LuckyR » December 23rd, 2017, 5:07 am

Perhaps I missed it in the OP, but were you and Dan romantic back in the day?

If so, you really are in the wrong with your current overall handling of the situation. If not, there is a correct (and numerous incorrect) ways of having a professional relationship with Dan. Though you don't appear to be handling it correctly, best case scenario.
"As usual... it depends."

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Namelesss » December 24th, 2017, 4:15 am

All that blah, blah, blah sounds like a lot of denial/smokescreen.
It seems simple to me;
You either have boinked, are boinking or will boink 'Dan'. And your husband has every reason to have the eye on you!
The sneakier and more 'reserved' you be the more he will investigate. As well he should.

Or Dan the Man is gay!
Artist/photographer... what are the odds. If hubby knew that, perhaps he's be cool, but.

Never trust the spouse with the close friend of the 'desired sex'!
What are you guys, 16?

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Kathyd
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Kathyd » December 25th, 2017, 12:03 am

Thanks for all the replies. It's really given me a lot to think about.

I guess the main thing about this is to convince my husband that Dan is not a "threat". Both of us are platonic friends and the farthest we ever got was cuddling in bed, but that was way back during college. We are good friends and have no desire to go any further than that. Dan knows this and I know this.

I'm not sure if I should tell my husband anymore about Dan if he doesn't ask. I wouldn't feel comfortable about telling him intimate details yet even though I love my husband.

Another issue is I'm still not sure how he found out about Dan and I. I have no evidence whatsoever about him peeking in my phone but I changed my password just in case. I didn't tell him about this. The problem is I'm not sure of what exactly to say to him about this. I don't want to come off as confrontational, but I do expect him to trust me and not to be snooping on my phone. I know I would never do that to him.

What exactly should I say to him?

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by LuckyR » December 25th, 2017, 5:42 am

Well if your goal is to continue to deceive your husband, I am a poor source of advice as I have no expertise in this area. OTOH if you are interested in putting this issue (badly handled so far in my opinion) behind yourselves, then despite your reluctance, I would start by laying all of your cards on the table along with a true apology for not doing so at the outset.

Later when this is a mimor past problem, if you want to address how he found out about Dan, you are free to do so, though many would avoid the subject.
"As usual... it depends."

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Present awareness
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Present awareness » December 25th, 2017, 11:41 pm

You must allow your husband to be jealous, simply because he is. Have you ever told someone whom is angry, not to be angry, and they suddenly stopped being angry? After nine years of marriage, you are learned something new about your husband, and it concerns you because you don’t like it. How does he get his info? How far will he go? The green eyed monster of jealousy, can be an ugly thing to deal with indeed. The more you assert your right to privacy, the stronger the suspicion becomes.

Have you considered becoming jealous of your husband? Tracking his movements. Asking question about any female he may come in contact with? Perhaps he will see for himself, how annoying it is, but I highly doubt it.
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Kathyd
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Kathyd » December 26th, 2017, 3:45 pm

LuckyR wrote:
December 25th, 2017, 5:42 am
Well if your goal is to continue to deceive your husband, I am a poor source of advice as I have no expertise in this area. OTOH if you are interested in putting this issue (badly handled so far in my opinion) behind yourselves, then despite your reluctance, I would start by laying all of your cards on the table along with a true apology for not doing so at the outset.
The problem with "laying all of my cards on the table" is that it would probably just make him more suspicious at this point. I mean, if he's already troubled by how much time I'm spending with Dan, I don't think that telling him we dated before I met him would give him any peace. Would it? As far as I can tell it would only make him more suspicious.

However, I have tried to ease his mind by repeatedly explaining to him that Dan is a close and dear friend and that he's only over here so much because he's trying to help me get reacquainted with the modelling industry. In other words, he's basically just a work colleague who I've happened to be friends with for a long time. But it's obvious from his tone of questioning and his actions that he still doesn't trust me. I even keep telling him, over and over, that Dan is in a relationship, which would imply that he's unavailable. But he's still jealous.
Present awareness wrote:
December 25th, 2017, 11:41 pm
Have you considered becoming jealous of your husband? Tracking his movements. Asking question about any female he may come in contact with? Perhaps he will see for himself, how annoying it is, but I highly doubt it.
Hmmm... that's an interesting idea, Present. I hadn't thought along those lines, but maybe you're on to something there. Give him a dose of his own medicine and then maybe he'll see what a jerk he's being. I like it! The only problem is that I'm not a confrontational person. Plus, I'd have no idea of how to track him. Unfortunately, I'm not that tech savvy. :cry:

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Atreyu » December 26th, 2017, 3:53 pm

Yeah... I wouldn't like it if my wife kept a friend like this. And I'm also sure she wouldn't like it either.

Answer honestly... would you be okay if your husband had a girl friend this close to him? One that comes over all the time while you're at work, and who used to "cuddle" him in bed? (btw, what does that even mean?)

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Present awareness » December 26th, 2017, 6:34 pm

Kathyd, with today’s technology, it is very easy to track someone. Simply google it, and it won’t take you long to educate yourself on all the resources. Perhaps your husband is using some of them himself? There are bugs that listen, super mini cameras that would be almost impossible to find and even vehicle tracking devices, just to name a few. Even your own iPhone (or his) can be tracked, without the proper settings on it. However, spy verses spy may be a dangerous game to play, with questionable results.

Honesty is always the best policy! Which is more important to you, your friendship with Dan or your marriage? You may have to make a choice between the two, or learn to live with a jealous husband. If you choose your marriage, you may find that you resent your husband for forcing you to make what you consider to be an unnecessary decision, when he could have simply just believed what you say. You need to talk it out with your husband and get your feelings and his feeling out into the open. Then you may decided whether you want to make a concession to bring peace back into your marriage.
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by pomarine » December 26th, 2017, 9:46 pm

I don't understand why Dan is being so helpful? Is Dan likely to profit financially or professionally from working with you? If there is a mutually beneficial business relationship then your husband should be able to accept this if he is a reasonable person. If this is just Dan acting as a "friend", despite not keeping in touch with you until recently, then you should be questioning Dan's motives. I would think that the latter would be a hard sell to most husbands, but if it really is the latter then I'd agree with the posts above that total honesty is the key. If it really is innocent, then why not be honest? Only then can you truly know if your husband is being unreasonable, as any hint of dishonesty on your part would likely damage your husband's trust even if your motives were to "protect him".

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by LuckyR » December 27th, 2017, 3:42 am

Kathyd wrote:
December 26th, 2017, 3:45 pm
LuckyR wrote:
December 25th, 2017, 5:42 am
Well if your goal is to continue to deceive your husband, I am a poor source of advice as I have no expertise in this area. OTOH if you are interested in putting this issue (badly handled so far in my opinion) behind yourselves, then despite your reluctance, I would start by laying all of your cards on the table along with a true apology for not doing so at the outset.
The problem with "laying all of my cards on the table" is that it would probably just make him more suspicious at this point. I mean, if he's already troubled by how much time I'm spending with Dan, I don't think that telling him we dated before I met him would give him any peace. Would it? As far as I can tell it would only make him more suspicious.

However, I have tried to ease his mind by repeatedly explaining to him that Dan is a close and dear friend and that he's only over here so much because he's trying to help me get reacquainted with the modelling industry. In other words, he's basically just a work colleague who I've happened to be friends with for a long time. But it's obvious from his tone of questioning and his actions that he still doesn't trust me. I even keep telling him, over and over, that Dan is in a relationship, which would imply that he's unavailable. But he's still jealous.
Yeah, it's a problem. A problem that started by 1- even having a "professional" relationship with a former cuddle-mate and 2- keeping the details of the current and former relationships hidden. So, of course, there is going to be a price to be paid for correcting the problem. There is no free lunch.
"As usual... it depends."

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Firebrook » December 27th, 2017, 4:10 am

Hi.

I must say that I wouldn't trust the situation any more than your husband. I've been in a relationship for 20 years. It was about 7 years in that the most dramatic stuff went down. He (who tried and failed to steal my girlfriend who is now my wife) wanted to play and record music with and for her. I was not being a very good boyfriend at the time, so there was indeed a vulnerability to be exploited. He was married. So even marriage was no guarantee of his intentions being innocent. He and I had also become friends. In short, he finished destroying a marriage and ruined a promising friendship in pursuit of her.

I don't know Dan. He may be innocent. But in general I don't trust men when it comes to attractive women. I think many of us would blow up our lives for a women who does it for us. To photograph a beautiful woman is to help her look as beautiful as possible and freeze that moment. What's not seductive about that situation? Have you watched Red Oaks? If you were a musician, he'd be recording you or writing music with you. If you were a writer, he'd be working on your novel with you. If he didn't find you attractive, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I might not have written this response if you weren't so attractive. And what can I hope to gain? It's irrational. I speculate that the most 'cynical' and critically minded guys are especially irrational in this way. The one thing they can't help believing in is female beauty. It's a dream that dies hard.

I wish you the best of luck.

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