I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Chat about anything your heart desires here, just be civil. Factual or scientific questions about philosophy go here (e.g. "When was Socrates born?"), and so most homework help questions belong here. Note, posts in the off-topic section will not increase new members post counts. This includes the introductions and feedback sections.
User avatar
Maldon007
Posts: 396
Joined: June 18th, 2012, 3:57 am

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Maldon007 »

This is what I would do, if I wanted to keep my marriage. Tell your friend, the friendship is interfering with your marriage, and so sorry, good to have known you. Tell your husband that you ended the friendship and ignore his likely entreaties to keep the friend (he won't really mean it). Cone clean on everything (unless you went any further than a handshake, if so, take that to the grave)... Apologize for keeping things from him, explain you thought he might be jealous needlessly. Say you realize that even confiding in another man can FEEL like cheating to a husband (or wife) and you now understand that, and cry.
His snooping is understandable, let it go. Anyway, that's my free advice. My only applicable experience is, 24 years with the same, very honest and loyal woman.
User avatar
Burning ghost
Posts: 3065
Joined: February 27th, 2016, 3:10 am

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Burning ghost »

This is a comedy of errors. And a comedy.

It looks more like she is saying "I don't know what to do. Poor me! Now I will go online and look for someone who agrees with me so I can justify not bothering to sit down with my husband and actually TALK TO HIM."

This is naivety on a whole new level - that is why I suspect it is nothing more than filler for some blog or opinionated news letter.
AKA badgerjelly
User avatar
LuckyR
Moderator
Posts: 7935
Joined: January 18th, 2015, 1:16 am

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by LuckyR »

Ecurb wrote: January 8th, 2018, 11:51 am
LuckyR wrote: January 8th, 2018, 2:55 am

You are creating a false choice: either never become a model or hang out with the only person who can help you become a model, who happens to be your ex.

Life doesn't work that way.
Why shouldn't Kathy hang out with one of her exes, if she wants to? Why does her husband have the right to tell her she shouldn't? She should ignore her snooping, spying, anger-prone husband whether or not Don is her best chance at a modeling career. Those actresses Harvey Weinstein abused could have gotten roles in movies produced by some0one else, but why should they have to? You are being almost (but not quite) as sexist as atreyu.

Uummm... because doing so made her lie to her husband, which even she regrets. Now it's too late, so her solution is to delay telling him the truth a little longer. I believe her quote was "timing is everything". Of course she was referring to the delay in time, though a better use would be to go back in time and be honest from the beginning (not currently an option).
"As usual... it depends."
Ecurb
Posts: 2138
Joined: May 9th, 2012, 3:13 pm

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb »

Don't listen to Etreyu, Maldon, or Lucky. They sound like blue jays cheeping angrily at a cat walking under their tree. They're chirping out of fear, while trying to sound brave.

Since you ask, I've scripted a possible approach.

Script One

KH (Kathy's Husband) -- I'm home.

Kathy: Oh, great. How did your spying and snooping go today, dear?

KH-- Huh?

Kathy -- I know you've enlisted the neighbors to spy on me. They told me. But c'mon! I may prance about in a negligee or bikini for some photographer -- but so what? When you spy on me, I feel that you don't love or trust me, that you're giving me a bad name to the neighbors, and that you are not behaving in a manly fashion. I mean, isn't it the woman who usually scolds and natters when her husband wants to go out to the bar with the boys to watch a game? I was attracted to you because of your manly, honorable behavior, and now you're acting not only in an unloving way, but also in an effeminate one. Since when are manly men so insecure?

KH -- Well, why didn't you tell me you were prancing around in front of Don wearing nothing but a negligee or bikini?

Kathy -- Oh, dear! I didn't want to bore you with endless recitals about my work. It's so dull.

KH -- I have a right to know what goes on in my own home.

Kathy -- NO you don't (first of all). Why does my boring work-day interest you so much? IF you were an effeminate, insecure busybody, like our friends Atreyu, Maldon, and Lucky, I could see it. But I thought you were more manly than that. Of course it's nice that you're interested in my boring work -- but I have something better for your lips to do than gossip about my job.

KH (hesitating) -- Well, I"m sorry for snooping. I"ll try to act in a manly fashion in the future.

Kathy -- Thanks, hon. Do you want me to prance about in my negligee just for you?
User avatar
Burning ghost
Posts: 3065
Joined: February 27th, 2016, 3:10 am

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Burning ghost »

Just when I thought I thought this couldn't get more ridiculous! haha!

Where's that unsubscribe button?
AKA badgerjelly
Steve3007
Posts: 10339
Joined: June 15th, 2011, 5:53 pm

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Steve3007 »

My favourite line from a Doctor Hook song:

"When you're in love with a beautiful woman, it's hard."
Steve3007
Posts: 10339
Joined: June 15th, 2011, 5:53 pm

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Steve3007 »

Actually, I think the lyrics of that well known song from the 70's are quite relevant to this case:

"When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you watch your friends (you watch your friends, you better watch your friends, you better look out.)

When you're in love with a beautiful woman, it never ends (it never ends, you know it never ends.)"

The doctor's diagnosis: it never ends. Kathy, you're probably going to have to accept that you and your husband will have these kinds of problems until you're old and warty and nobody fancies you any more. I guess we all have our cross the bear.
Ecurb
Posts: 2138
Joined: May 9th, 2012, 3:13 pm

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb »

Burning ghost wrote: January 9th, 2018, 11:47 am Just when I thought I thought this couldn't get more ridiculous! haha!

Where's that unsubscribe button?
Just when I thought the rest of us were the drama queens in this thread, Burning Ghost announces his departure.
User avatar
Maldon007
Posts: 396
Joined: June 18th, 2012, 3:57 am

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Maldon007 »

Lol, Ecurb, are you a divorce lawyer?
User avatar
Atreyu
Posts: 1737
Joined: June 17th, 2014, 3:11 am
Favorite Philosopher: P.D. Ouspensky
Location: Orlando, FL

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Atreyu »

lol, Maldon :lol:

Actually, I had already explained his pathetic sucking up to myself by assuming he was gay, but divorce lawyer is definitely another likely scenario. I hadn't considered that one.

Also, if he's young and single, I think we can explain his behavior by understanding that he's just like Dan himself - your typical 'orbiter', only in this case the online version. Both of them are patiently waiting for their chance to pounce, all while consoling poor Kathy for having to put up with her controlling husband, the purpose of which is merely to help speed up the process of their inevitable break up. He's probably hoping this all ends with some kind of personal message from Kathy, thanking him for his support and understanding.
:P
Ecurb
Posts: 2138
Joined: May 9th, 2012, 3:13 pm

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb »

Actually, I think that demanding one's spouse renounce a friendship because you are jealous (as Atreyu and Maldon think reasonable) is unconscionable, and renouncing a friendship because one's spouse requests (as these two recommend) is obnoxious. The notion (promoted by these two) that a jealous spouse has the right to make such a demand plays into the hands of controlling spouses who want to isolate their spouses from the rest of society. The notion that a spouse should give in to such demands is unmanly (admittedly they are advising Kathy, ostensibly a woman, but, in fairness, they would have give up their own friends if their wives wanted them to). I can hardly imagine a less honorable or manly response to such a demand, but perhaps Atreyu is so fearful that he will never get a woman to like him, that he is desperate to retain what he has, and will go to any lengths, however dishonorable, cringing, and pathetic, to do so.
User avatar
Maldon007
Posts: 396
Joined: June 18th, 2012, 3:57 am

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Maldon007 »

If staying manly is more important to one than than their marriage, be manly I guess!

But I wouldn't suggest someone give up just ANY friend on the jealous demand of a spouse. This particular case has particular factors, another case where the jealous spouse might be out of line and needlessly suspicious, I might advise a different approach. In this case the wife was secretive to the extreme, and clearly deserved suspicion.

Ecurb, really no offense meant, but I wonder if you are fairly young and have not had any long term relationships?
Ecurb
Posts: 2138
Joined: May 9th, 2012, 3:13 pm

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb »

The "manly" virtues include honor, loyalty and adherence to one's moral principles. So, yes, being true to myself and to my principles is more important than my marriage (or would be, if I were married). Kathy may have "deserved suspicion". But what about Don? Is there any evidence (from Kathy's report) that he has done anything other than kindly help Kathy in her career? They've been "best friends" since high school -- perhaps for ten years. Doesn't that "relationship" deserve some consideration? Why should a marriage (or a sexual "relationship") trump all other relationships to the extent that Kathy should embrace disloyalty to her friend in order to placate her husband? It isn't Don's fault that Kathy lied to her husband.

I'll grant that Kathy's dishonesty is troublesome (although since we don't know the extent of her husband's anger issues,perhaps it is to some extent justified). Nonetheless, there's no reason for her to add disloyalty in friendship to her other sins.

Since you ask, I'm not young and have had many long term relationships, not all of them sexual. Indeed, I have a long term relationship with many friends, with my siblings, with my parents (before they died), and with my son (who is now practically an adult). I would never allow a spouse (or a sibling, or my son) to dictate to me that I should end any of these relationships, and suggest that anyone who would lacks common decency and a reasonable sense of loyalty to his friends. I also have a long-term girlfriend (if the term can be applied to someone who, like me, has grown children) who, like many people our age, has many friends, some of whom are former lovers. It would never occur to me to ob
Ecurb
Posts: 2138
Joined: May 9th, 2012, 3:13 pm

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb »

(I must have accidentally hit "submit")..... object to these relationships.
User avatar
Maldon007
Posts: 396
Joined: June 18th, 2012, 3:57 am

Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Maldon007 »

What loyalty should a married woman have, to a recently reacquainted old flame, who almost certainly wants more than friendship, as compared to a man she swore views to?
Post Reply

Return to “Philosophers' Lounge”

2023/2024 Philosophy Books of the Month

Entanglement - Quantum and Otherwise

Entanglement - Quantum and Otherwise
by John K Danenbarger
January 2023

Mark Victor Hansen, Relentless: Wisdom Behind the Incomparable Chicken Soup for the Soul

Mark Victor Hansen, Relentless: Wisdom Behind the Incomparable Chicken Soup for the Soul
by Mitzi Perdue
February 2023

Rediscovering the Wisdom of Human Nature: How Civilization Destroys Happiness

Rediscovering the Wisdom of Human Nature: How Civilization Destroys Happiness
by Chet Shupe
March 2023

The Unfakeable Code®

The Unfakeable Code®
by Tony Jeton Selimi
April 2023

The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are

The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are
by Alan Watts
May 2023

Killing Abel

Killing Abel
by Michael Tieman
June 2023

Reconfigurement: Reconfiguring Your Life at Any Stage and Planning Ahead

Reconfigurement: Reconfiguring Your Life at Any Stage and Planning Ahead
by E. Alan Fleischauer
July 2023

First Survivor: The Impossible Childhood Cancer Breakthrough

First Survivor: The Impossible Childhood Cancer Breakthrough
by Mark Unger
August 2023

Predictably Irrational

Predictably Irrational
by Dan Ariely
September 2023

Artwords

Artwords
by Beatriz M. Robles
November 2023

Fireproof Happiness: Extinguishing Anxiety & Igniting Hope

Fireproof Happiness: Extinguishing Anxiety & Igniting Hope
by Dr. Randy Ross
December 2023

Beyond the Golden Door: Seeing the American Dream Through an Immigrant's Eyes

Beyond the Golden Door: Seeing the American Dream Through an Immigrant's Eyes
by Ali Master
February 2024

2022 Philosophy Books of the Month

Emotional Intelligence At Work

Emotional Intelligence At Work
by Richard M Contino & Penelope J Holt
January 2022

Free Will, Do You Have It?

Free Will, Do You Have It?
by Albertus Kral
February 2022

My Enemy in Vietnam

My Enemy in Vietnam
by Billy Springer
March 2022

2X2 on the Ark

2X2 on the Ark
by Mary J Giuffra, PhD
April 2022

The Maestro Monologue

The Maestro Monologue
by Rob White
May 2022

What Makes America Great

What Makes America Great
by Bob Dowell
June 2022

The Truth Is Beyond Belief!

The Truth Is Beyond Belief!
by Jerry Durr
July 2022

Living in Color

Living in Color
by Mike Murphy
August 2022 (tentative)

The Not So Great American Novel

The Not So Great American Novel
by James E Doucette
September 2022

Mary Jane Whiteley Coggeshall, Hicksite Quaker, Iowa/National Suffragette And Her Speeches

Mary Jane Whiteley Coggeshall, Hicksite Quaker, Iowa/National Suffragette And Her Speeches
by John N. (Jake) Ferris
October 2022

In It Together: The Beautiful Struggle Uniting Us All

In It Together: The Beautiful Struggle Uniting Us All
by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes
November 2022

The Smartest Person in the Room: The Root Cause and New Solution for Cybersecurity

The Smartest Person in the Room
by Christian Espinosa
December 2022

2021 Philosophy Books of the Month

The Biblical Clock: The Untold Secrets Linking the Universe and Humanity with God's Plan

The Biblical Clock
by Daniel Friedmann
March 2021

Wilderness Cry: A Scientific and Philosophical Approach to Understanding God and the Universe

Wilderness Cry
by Dr. Hilary L Hunt M.D.
April 2021

Fear Not, Dream Big, & Execute: Tools To Spark Your Dream And Ignite Your Follow-Through

Fear Not, Dream Big, & Execute
by Jeff Meyer
May 2021

Surviving the Business of Healthcare: Knowledge is Power

Surviving the Business of Healthcare
by Barbara Galutia Regis M.S. PA-C
June 2021

Winning the War on Cancer: The Epic Journey Towards a Natural Cure

Winning the War on Cancer
by Sylvie Beljanski
July 2021

Defining Moments of a Free Man from a Black Stream

Defining Moments of a Free Man from a Black Stream
by Dr Frank L Douglas
August 2021

If Life Stinks, Get Your Head Outta Your Buts

If Life Stinks, Get Your Head Outta Your Buts
by Mark L. Wdowiak
September 2021

The Preppers Medical Handbook

The Preppers Medical Handbook
by Dr. William W Forgey M.D.
October 2021

Natural Relief for Anxiety and Stress: A Practical Guide

Natural Relief for Anxiety and Stress
by Dr. Gustavo Kinrys, MD
November 2021

Dream For Peace: An Ambassador Memoir

Dream For Peace
by Dr. Ghoulem Berrah
December 2021