I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

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Maldon007
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Maldon007 » January 8th, 2018, 9:36 pm

This is what I would do, if I wanted to keep my marriage. Tell your friend, the friendship is interfering with your marriage, and so sorry, good to have known you. Tell your husband that you ended the friendship and ignore his likely entreaties to keep the friend (he won't really mean it). Cone clean on everything (unless you went any further than a handshake, if so, take that to the grave)... Apologize for keeping things from him, explain you thought he might be jealous needlessly. Say you realize that even confiding in another man can FEEL like cheating to a husband (or wife) and you now understand that, and cry.
His snooping is understandable, let it go. Anyway, that's my free advice. My only applicable experience is, 24 years with the same, very honest and loyal woman.

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Burning ghost » January 8th, 2018, 11:26 pm

This is a comedy of errors. And a comedy.

It looks more like she is saying "I don't know what to do. Poor me! Now I will go online and look for someone who agrees with me so I can justify not bothering to sit down with my husband and actually TALK TO HIM."

This is naivety on a whole new level - that is why I suspect it is nothing more than filler for some blog or opinionated news letter.
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LuckyR
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by LuckyR » January 9th, 2018, 4:54 am

Ecurb wrote:
January 8th, 2018, 11:51 am
LuckyR wrote:
January 8th, 2018, 2:55 am


You are creating a false choice: either never become a model or hang out with the only person who can help you become a model, who happens to be your ex.

Life doesn't work that way.
Why shouldn't Kathy hang out with one of her exes, if she wants to? Why does her husband have the right to tell her she shouldn't? She should ignore her snooping, spying, anger-prone husband whether or not Don is her best chance at a modeling career. Those actresses Harvey Weinstein abused could have gotten roles in movies produced by some0one else, but why should they have to? You are being almost (but not quite) as sexist as atreyu.

Uummm... because doing so made her lie to her husband, which even she regrets. Now it's too late, so her solution is to delay telling him the truth a little longer. I believe her quote was "timing is everything". Of course she was referring to the delay in time, though a better use would be to go back in time and be honest from the beginning (not currently an option).
"As usual... it depends."

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb » January 9th, 2018, 11:37 am

Don't listen to Etreyu, Maldon, or Lucky. They sound like blue jays cheeping angrily at a cat walking under their tree. They're chirping out of fear, while trying to sound brave.

Since you ask, I've scripted a possible approach.

Script One

KH (Kathy's Husband) -- I'm home.

Kathy: Oh, great. How did your spying and snooping go today, dear?

KH-- Huh?

Kathy -- I know you've enlisted the neighbors to spy on me. They told me. But c'mon! I may prance about in a negligee or bikini for some photographer -- but so what? When you spy on me, I feel that you don't love or trust me, that you're giving me a bad name to the neighbors, and that you are not behaving in a manly fashion. I mean, isn't it the woman who usually scolds and natters when her husband wants to go out to the bar with the boys to watch a game? I was attracted to you because of your manly, honorable behavior, and now you're acting not only in an unloving way, but also in an effeminate one. Since when are manly men so insecure?

KH -- Well, why didn't you tell me you were prancing around in front of Don wearing nothing but a negligee or bikini?

Kathy -- Oh, dear! I didn't want to bore you with endless recitals about my work. It's so dull.

KH -- I have a right to know what goes on in my own home.

Kathy -- NO you don't (first of all). Why does my boring work-day interest you so much? IF you were an effeminate, insecure busybody, like our friends Atreyu, Maldon, and Lucky, I could see it. But I thought you were more manly than that. Of course it's nice that you're interested in my boring work -- but I have something better for your lips to do than gossip about my job.

KH (hesitating) -- Well, I"m sorry for snooping. I"ll try to act in a manly fashion in the future.

Kathy -- Thanks, hon. Do you want me to prance about in my negligee just for you?

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Burning ghost » January 9th, 2018, 11:47 am

Just when I thought I thought this couldn't get more ridiculous! haha!

Where's that unsubscribe button?
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Steve3007 » January 9th, 2018, 11:50 am

My favourite line from a Doctor Hook song:

"When you're in love with a beautiful woman, it's hard."

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Steve3007 » January 9th, 2018, 12:03 pm

Actually, I think the lyrics of that well known song from the 70's are quite relevant to this case:

"When you're in love with a beautiful woman, you watch your friends (you watch your friends, you better watch your friends, you better look out.)

When you're in love with a beautiful woman, it never ends (it never ends, you know it never ends.)"

The doctor's diagnosis: it never ends. Kathy, you're probably going to have to accept that you and your husband will have these kinds of problems until you're old and warty and nobody fancies you any more. I guess we all have our cross the bear.

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb » January 9th, 2018, 12:10 pm

Burning ghost wrote:
January 9th, 2018, 11:47 am
Just when I thought I thought this couldn't get more ridiculous! haha!

Where's that unsubscribe button?
Just when I thought the rest of us were the drama queens in this thread, Burning Ghost announces his departure.

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Maldon007
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Maldon007 » January 9th, 2018, 12:39 pm

Lol, Ecurb, are you a divorce lawyer?

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Atreyu » January 9th, 2018, 3:13 pm

lol, Maldon :lol:

Actually, I had already explained his pathetic sucking up to myself by assuming he was gay, but divorce lawyer is definitely another likely scenario. I hadn't considered that one.

Also, if he's young and single, I think we can explain his behavior by understanding that he's just like Dan himself - your typical 'orbiter', only in this case the online version. Both of them are patiently waiting for their chance to pounce, all while consoling poor Kathy for having to put up with her controlling husband, the purpose of which is merely to help speed up the process of their inevitable break up. He's probably hoping this all ends with some kind of personal message from Kathy, thanking him for his support and understanding.
:P

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb » January 9th, 2018, 3:54 pm

Actually, I think that demanding one's spouse renounce a friendship because you are jealous (as Atreyu and Maldon think reasonable) is unconscionable, and renouncing a friendship because one's spouse requests (as these two recommend) is obnoxious. The notion (promoted by these two) that a jealous spouse has the right to make such a demand plays into the hands of controlling spouses who want to isolate their spouses from the rest of society. The notion that a spouse should give in to such demands is unmanly (admittedly they are advising Kathy, ostensibly a woman, but, in fairness, they would have give up their own friends if their wives wanted them to). I can hardly imagine a less honorable or manly response to such a demand, but perhaps Atreyu is so fearful that he will never get a woman to like him, that he is desperate to retain what he has, and will go to any lengths, however dishonorable, cringing, and pathetic, to do so.

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Maldon007
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Maldon007 » January 10th, 2018, 1:16 am

If staying manly is more important to one than than their marriage, be manly I guess!

But I wouldn't suggest someone give up just ANY friend on the jealous demand of a spouse. This particular case has particular factors, another case where the jealous spouse might be out of line and needlessly suspicious, I might advise a different approach. In this case the wife was secretive to the extreme, and clearly deserved suspicion.

Ecurb, really no offense meant, but I wonder if you are fairly young and have not had any long term relationships?

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb » January 10th, 2018, 11:47 am

The "manly" virtues include honor, loyalty and adherence to one's moral principles. So, yes, being true to myself and to my principles is more important than my marriage (or would be, if I were married). Kathy may have "deserved suspicion". But what about Don? Is there any evidence (from Kathy's report) that he has done anything other than kindly help Kathy in her career? They've been "best friends" since high school -- perhaps for ten years. Doesn't that "relationship" deserve some consideration? Why should a marriage (or a sexual "relationship") trump all other relationships to the extent that Kathy should embrace disloyalty to her friend in order to placate her husband? It isn't Don's fault that Kathy lied to her husband.

I'll grant that Kathy's dishonesty is troublesome (although since we don't know the extent of her husband's anger issues,perhaps it is to some extent justified). Nonetheless, there's no reason for her to add disloyalty in friendship to her other sins.

Since you ask, I'm not young and have had many long term relationships, not all of them sexual. Indeed, I have a long term relationship with many friends, with my siblings, with my parents (before they died), and with my son (who is now practically an adult). I would never allow a spouse (or a sibling, or my son) to dictate to me that I should end any of these relationships, and suggest that anyone who would lacks common decency and a reasonable sense of loyalty to his friends. I also have a long-term girlfriend (if the term can be applied to someone who, like me, has grown children) who, like many people our age, has many friends, some of whom are former lovers. It would never occur to me to ob

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb » January 10th, 2018, 11:48 am

(I must have accidentally hit "submit")..... object to these relationships.

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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Maldon007 » January 10th, 2018, 3:09 pm

What loyalty should a married woman have, to a recently reacquainted old flame, who almost certainly wants more than friendship, as compared to a man she swore views to?

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