I would be interested to know about others' peak experiences. I'd be interested to know if anyone here has felt anything similar. The day after the PE I Googled aspects of what I felt and thought at the time and it seems it's pretty common. I have edited out the most gratuitous waffle; text in square brackets are afterthoughts or censoring of non G-rated language:
Afterwards I wondered about the bliss and fear (funny combination) I felt during the faux near death experience, which was the most powerful aspect of the overall experience.Must write this because it’s already fading fast. I’ve had my second [peak] experience ...
... I was trying to get my mind to a point where it was entirely still and there would be no thought or emotions or physical movement - only experience. I seemed to feel every part of my body vibrantly alive – the muscles, the bones, the organs, breathing, heartbeat, blood flowing ... [note "seemed to"]
Then I felt that I could conceivably bring myself so into the moment that I could almost disappear – into the all-pervading field of … being. Absolutely all-pervading, massively and overwhelmingly so.
There is no question of there being anything else - heaven, hell, our childish constructs. If it [the sensation I felt] was sound it would have the intensity of deafening white noise – it was THAT all-pervading. It was like an endlessly deep well into which I could fall if I stilled to the point of being 100% in the moment.
Very scary. I felt like I could almost combust with the intensity of it. I saw death [yeah yeah, I know] ... and it was absolutely incredible! It was everything you ever wanted – ultimate peace, ultimate rightness and connection – just there and then … nothingness? A different kind of consciousness? ...
I’m sure any readers would think me mad. Well, [fornicate] ‘em. The experience was ... terrifying, like I was on the verge of biting off more than I could chew – accidentally probing depths that really should be left to nature taking its course. I can see death up ahead and it’s fantastic and wonderful in a way I would never have imagined. I actually doubt if anyone misses out on the greatness of it, no matter how disgraceful they have been. Hell is ... [bovine manure] designed to control people. It’s all heaven. Everything.
Until you manifest as matter. Then you have an adventure of growth. So much of it is luck and anyone in the west who doesn’t appreciate their luck is missing out [er, barring the sick, abused and homeless]. It’s a blessing and a curse, but if you realise that the final moment when you disappear into a sea of wonderfulness, of total awareness and total lack of awareness all at once, then maybe the hard times won’t feel quite so hard.
It [the power of the feeling] called to mind a Robert Fripp [musician] interview where he talked about his Exposure album.
The infinite is very big and, really, I don’t think human beings could survive complete enlightenment. The intensity would burn you up – that’s how it felt, weird as that sounds. Whatever, my feeling was that we aren’t really meant for enlightenment – that the right way for humans to live their lives is to get out there and experience things, enjoy life and learn. If we grow and evolve, then God / Multiverse does too, given that we are a component part.‘In a flash the insight (or whatever) lasted for about half a second and I simply saw that Robert Fripp didn’t exist. And it wasn’t about pulling out my tomes on esoteric psychology, cosmology lectures #28, I simply saw that there was nothing there. But there was something, but it wasn’t Robert Fripp. Robert Fripp simply wasn’t there. He was just an arbitrary construct. It was quite terrifying simply to know that one doesn’t exist. So I would say that was a situation of “exposure” ... and it was terrifying, so it is impossible to achieve the aim unless you see where you are ... and it’s painful.
... it doesn’t come close to describing the intensity of the experience. To realise just how comical and loveable and precious we humans are in our insistence on individuality and ego. Proud little animals. It’s cool. We fumble. It’s all learning. Sometimes we do it tough. Sometimes it’s hell (the only hell that exists) – but it’s a happy ending once the final panic subsides.
You sure do “meet God” when you die. You won’t miss it – it’s like missing the atmosphere – you'd need pretty bad aim haha. There’s no delay. No tunnel or such poetic [bovine manure] – it’s just Whammo! … sucked back into the fabric of Everything. The anthropomorphic spin on God is hilarious. What people might call God is absolute awareness and connectedness without any thoughts or emotions. You will feel bliss but not realise or care that you do. It won’t matter, it will just be.
You get meditators trying to make themselves immune to that moment of pre-death panic but there’s no need to protect yourself. If you hurt and freak out, oh well. It won’t last too long, hopefully, and then you settle down to be subsumed by The All. I didn’t delve too far (for fear of not coming back) so there’s still mystery and guesswork. Rather than protect ourselves from the trials of death, I should – we should – immerse ourselves in the human experience.
I don’t think there’s nearly as much judgement for being a “bad person” in the afterlife as we pretend … it would be like cancer cells being punished for committing murder. Everything is made of the same stuff ...
I think of ancients who would have had this experience and how they would have decided to devote themselves to God. But they got it wrong, since what one might call "God" is everything ... a work in progress, just as we and all else in the universe is. Constantly manifesting, dissipating and re-manifesting. Always reinventing and refining, always new. Every moment is unique and after that moment the universe will never be the same again – the universe of the past effectively “dies” only to be immediately replaced by the universe of the present, which gives way to …
I will not become a religion-head, given that most of ‘em give the impression that they wouldn’t know the feeling of transcendence if they fell over it. Why be religious based on stuff that people tell you? Not relevant today. The only valid reason to be religious is to explore your relationship with The All.
My instinct is not to get too deep into this – I know it will look after itself when I die – so I don’t feel inclined to check in with The Reaper on a regular basis. It’s enough to know death will happen, and the longer I can postpone it the better.
We are often told that happiness comes from immersion in the present moment. Nothing will command your attention more than approaching death! It's not as though you've got bigger fish to fry or more pressing exigencies to attend to - or any exigencies, for that matter, other than the moment.
I was surprised at how "callously" I felt towards loved ones at the time. As I approached the faux moment of death I couldn't have cared less about family and friends or anyone else - not nastily, just a feeling that they'd be okay and all the stuff we worry about is trivial and temporary. Their fate would be to live out their lives and then fall into the blissful abyss [ablyss? ]
All rather esoteric for a science-loving agnostic, but the whole experience was a shock to me, especially the death aspect. Before the experience my view was that it was irrational to imagine being more conscious when you're dead than when you're asleep. Lights out. Goodnight.
Afterwards, my feeling was that the universe is entirely alive, although not by our definition. And it's conscious, again not by our definition, and that is the state will will be in after we die. You can't get away from needing brains for thoughts, glands for emotions and senses for feeling (or equivalent algorithms) but the sense of all-encompassing being, experiential awareness and connectedness of all things was palpable - and encouraging.