Living a utilitarian life: struggles
- Mdello
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Living a utilitarian life: struggles
Ever since I starting making little sacrifices a few years ago in order to help others I have begun to feel immensely happy. I didn't realise at the time, but after some research I realised I was basically a utilitarian. I believe that the right thing for me to do is to cut down on as many luxuries as possible so I can maximise time and money given to those who need it more than I do. To maximise my efficiency I usually give to international aid, as my country is in a pretty good place.
Lately I have been becoming a little more extreme, but I still believe what I am doing is right. I still live at home, and my family goes out for dinner semi-often, usually to nice, pricey restaurants. I detest this, but for a while I just dealed with it, as I figured making my parents unhappy by not going to dinner was the right thing. But now I've taken it a step further, in that I am telling them I don't want to go out to dinner any more, because as much as I love them, I can't justify spending $20 on a meal when that money could literally save lives in another country. I appreciate that it makes them feel bad, but making them feel bad and saving lives still seems like the right thing to do.
Lately it's been getting me a bit down, and it's starting to drive a rift in my family. I've tried to explain my philosophy but they not only choose to not follow it themselves (which is ok), they are criticising me for my choices.
Has anyone been through something similar and perhaps have some advice, or just some anecdotes? I want to do what I think is the right thing, but I don't want to drive myself away from my family either.
Thanks in advance.
- Eckhart Aurelius Hughes
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
I have no idea the actual details of your personal situation (a therapist would figure that out before providing advice), but what happens to most in therapy is that the main mantra is 'you can't control others, you can only control yourself' or in other words 'instead of focusing so much on what others need to do to be "better", just figure out ways to make yourself "better"'. The feeling of frustration that it seems like a person who writes what was written above would be feeling is symptomatic of underlying guilt about themselves and their own actions not about their parents. The idea is basically 'clean your own backyard first' except with the point that nobody is perfect and so your own backyard will never be clean.
Again, I have no interest in commenting on your personal situation because it would take hundreds of dollars worth of therapy-like investigation, which itself would presumably require privacy. However, in general, in short, the situation you describe is of a type that would most often be one of self-righteousness driving conflict.
"The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master."
I believe spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) manifests as bravery, confidence, grace, honesty, love, and inner peace.
- LuckyR
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
I am going to make a few assumptions and feel free to set me straight on them. Firstly, I am going to go out on a limb and assume that you are at least youthful, if not in fact a youth. I can't tell you how many folks I know either directly or indirectly are dealing with similar and identical issues at this time of life (meaning at the time where you are dependant on your parents for some stuff, but not for others).
Since your concern is your parent's response to you, perhaps a review of the standard parental view will add some insight. Obviously I don't know them but it would be common for parents to want their kids to be ultimately successful and happy, it is also routine for parents to feel that getting an education as prep for a great career and great compensation would be the most efficient path to this end. My guess is they are taking your lack of interest in money and what it can provide for you (as opposed for what it can provide for others) may distract you from the path they feel is best for your future. There are a lot of maybe's in that idea but if you think there is some truth to what I said, I can almost guarantee you are correct.
At this point different folks will seek different advice, some will want to smooth things over with the parents yet leave their ideas unchanged, others will want to modify their ideas, still others will want to sway their parent to their ideas. Where do you want to go from here?
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
- Sy Borg
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
Don't feel guilty about allowing yourself treats. You can choose to be grateful for, rather than guilty about, your good fortune. The people who benefit from your generosity would think it strange that someone in your position, who is able to enjoy the good things in life, would not do it. Most would in your position.
Ethicist Peter Singer has observed that trying to lead a scrupulously ethical life is extremely difficult. It is something that he attempts and cheerfully admits accepts that he fails regularly. I fail to live up to my ideals so often that all I can do is laugh. That's life. We all bungle on in our own ways.
My advice is make yourself useful, try to avoid harm to self or others, have some fun, keep your sense of humour and don't forget that animals are people too.
- Theophane
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
If you drive a wedge between you and your family, it won't be worth it IMO.
- Lagayscienza
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
- Sy Borg
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
Yes, that's a point I meant to make.Theophane wrote:If you drive a wedge between you and your family, it won't be worth it IMO.
Laga also makes a good point. Our sphere of influence is greater than we imagine and it's worthy to do things that help others generally, not just those in most dire need.
There is a sense of guilt and unworthiness that comes with being lucky enough to be born into favourable circumstances. There is a sense of frustration and powerlessness. The problems of so many people are governed by such huge forces that it's like being an ant worrying about tsunamis.
There are leaders who are capable of breaking through seemingly insurmountable barriers (eg. Gandhi, Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi) through uncommon commitment, sacrifice and outstanding communication skills. Most people lack their communication and leadership skills, even if they can muster the discipline and motivation.
- Aristocles
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
My take is that your philosophy may indeed require some personal therapy. I am saying that in a caring concerned fashion. And I do consider such a process to be a part of philosophy, just more specialized.
Also, I like some in this thread, think it is important to delve into the utilitarianism in greater detail. Those prior have helped to make the distinction between act and rule forms of utilitarianism, either way rather rigorous procedures. As you seem to be inevitably overwhelmed with the "here and now" act view of Singer, it seems some of the emotional things have got you stuck. (a place for which I am not a stranger) Sounds like you have a good heart, but it could very well shorten your life expectancy and in turn your duration of being able to help this world out. I think this is another aspect you have to find balance.
Following some of the rules of utilitarianism you could better appreciate your ability to make a larger impact, as some of the posts suggest. I would agree we are all utilitarians and even go so far as to suggest it is pervasive in our actions. However, being self-defeating is no way to maximize utility.
There was mention of altruistic actions and another mentioned you reflecting what you are doing is for the right reasons. I think this is an important philosophical area to address therapeutically. I see too many powerful forces suggesting we can do things that are not for ourselves, and that appears to be some of that which you are entangled.
I have mentioned some strong deep areas that I find fascinating, but I only recommend them when you are feeling up to it. Take care of yourself, nobody else can do it like you can.
- Mdello
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
I've been making an effort to focus on the things I can change, and not get too upset about what I can't. Having said that, I still do from time to time, but it's getting better.
I've started a society in my hometown for like-minded people to meet and discuss 'effective altruism', which has certainly helped.
I do believe that I'm doing what I do for the right reasons. I've done international aid work and have seen how people live in developing countries, but even before that I've had a deep desire to help people and make people's lives happier. Nothing makes me happier than making other people happy, and I want to maximise my efficiency in that space, which is what appeals to me most about utilitarianism.
I've come to understand that the best way to encourage others to be a little more giving is through patient and understanding conversations, not getting upset about what people do and judging them.
In summary, I still do think that giving my time and money is the right thing to do, but I'm more conscious of how I do it. I have considered burn-out over a life, but I love what I do and nothing makes me happier than doing what I think is the right thing, so I believe that I'll keep doing it for as long as I live.
Thanks again for all of your advice and support.
Michael
- Aristocles
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
- Eagle
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
- Mdello
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
As a person who never ever commits any philanthropic acts due to my admittedly selfish lifestyle, trust me. You should always put yourself and your happiness first in any situation. Maybe charity and being selfless comes second in these types of situations.
I also agree with Scott. Perhaps this is a matter to bring up with a psychologist?
- Lagayscienza
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles
Sarafloria wrote:You should always put yourself and your happiness first in any situation.
Well, at least you're up front about it. But imagine what the world would be like if we all applied this maxim in every situation.
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