Living a utilitarian life: struggles

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Mdello
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Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Mdello »

This is more asking people for advice than a discussion. First, my situation:

Ever since I starting making little sacrifices a few years ago in order to help others I have begun to feel immensely happy. I didn't realise at the time, but after some research I realised I was basically a utilitarian. I believe that the right thing for me to do is to cut down on as many luxuries as possible so I can maximise time and money given to those who need it more than I do. To maximise my efficiency I usually give to international aid, as my country is in a pretty good place.

Lately I have been becoming a little more extreme, but I still believe what I am doing is right. I still live at home, and my family goes out for dinner semi-often, usually to nice, pricey restaurants. I detest this, but for a while I just dealed with it, as I figured making my parents unhappy by not going to dinner was the right thing. But now I've taken it a step further, in that I am telling them I don't want to go out to dinner any more, because as much as I love them, I can't justify spending $20 on a meal when that money could literally save lives in another country. I appreciate that it makes them feel bad, but making them feel bad and saving lives still seems like the right thing to do.

Lately it's been getting me a bit down, and it's starting to drive a rift in my family. I've tried to explain my philosophy but they not only choose to not follow it themselves (which is ok), they are criticising me for my choices.

Has anyone been through something similar and perhaps have some advice, or just some anecdotes? I want to do what I think is the right thing, but I don't want to drive myself away from my family either.

Thanks in advance.
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Eckhart Aurelius Hughes
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes »

No offense at all, but this sounds like something for which you would get more effective results from a therapist than a philosophy group.

I have no idea the actual details of your personal situation (a therapist would figure that out before providing advice), but what happens to most in therapy is that the main mantra is 'you can't control others, you can only control yourself' or in other words 'instead of focusing so much on what others need to do to be "better", just figure out ways to make yourself "better"'. The feeling of frustration that it seems like a person who writes what was written above would be feeling is symptomatic of underlying guilt about themselves and their own actions not about their parents. The idea is basically 'clean your own backyard first' except with the point that nobody is perfect and so your own backyard will never be clean.

Again, I have no interest in commenting on your personal situation because it would take hundreds of dollars worth of therapy-like investigation, which itself would presumably require privacy. However, in general, in short, the situation you describe is of a type that would most often be one of self-righteousness driving conflict.
My entire political philosophy summed up in one tweet.

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I believe spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) manifests as bravery, confidence, grace, honesty, love, and inner peace.
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LuckyR
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by LuckyR »

I, OTOH, have no qualms in just wading into the topic and giving you the benefit of my experience.

I am going to make a few assumptions and feel free to set me straight on them. Firstly, I am going to go out on a limb and assume that you are at least youthful, if not in fact a youth. I can't tell you how many folks I know either directly or indirectly are dealing with similar and identical issues at this time of life (meaning at the time where you are dependant on your parents for some stuff, but not for others).

Since your concern is your parent's response to you, perhaps a review of the standard parental view will add some insight. Obviously I don't know them but it would be common for parents to want their kids to be ultimately successful and happy, it is also routine for parents to feel that getting an education as prep for a great career and great compensation would be the most efficient path to this end. My guess is they are taking your lack of interest in money and what it can provide for you (as opposed for what it can provide for others) may distract you from the path they feel is best for your future. There are a lot of maybe's in that idea but if you think there is some truth to what I said, I can almost guarantee you are correct.

At this point different folks will seek different advice, some will want to smooth things over with the parents yet leave their ideas unchanged, others will want to modify their ideas, still others will want to sway their parent to their ideas. Where do you want to go from here?
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Harbal »

How do you even know what happens to your money once you have given it away? Giving priority to anonymous victims of some hardship or another over the people you are supposed to be close to seems to me to be a symptom of something psychologically unhealthy. If you really are concerned about the disadvantaged then do something practical to help, just throwing money at it is a lazy way of dealing with it. I suspect this is all about you feeling good about yourself.
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Sy Borg
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Sy Borg »

You can't sustainably help others unless you are looking after yourself. Do not make yourself miserable. Maintain your relationships and don't break with your family. Doing good doesn't always have to be about large admirable actions. Often it's about the little things in small dealings where making someone happy can have a flow on effect where they then cut someone else some slack and the chain hopefully continues for a while.

Don't feel guilty about allowing yourself treats. You can choose to be grateful for, rather than guilty about, your good fortune. The people who benefit from your generosity would think it strange that someone in your position, who is able to enjoy the good things in life, would not do it. Most would in your position.

Ethicist Peter Singer has observed that trying to lead a scrupulously ethical life is extremely difficult. It is something that he attempts and cheerfully admits accepts that he fails regularly. I fail to live up to my ideals so often that all I can do is laugh. That's life. We all bungle on in our own ways.

My advice is make yourself useful, try to avoid harm to self or others, have some fun, keep your sense of humour and don't forget that animals are people too.
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated—Gandhi.
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Theophane »

This isn't utilitarianism; this is the awakened desire to serve others! :D You've discovered the spiritual rewards of altruism, Mdello. Congratulations! But be careful not to sabotage your family life with this desire to help others less fortunate than yourself. Also, take care that what you do, you do with the right motivation. In other words, do not become one of those people who donate money to charitable causes as a way of feeling good about themselves.

If you drive a wedge between you and your family, it won't be worth it IMO.
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Lagayscienza »

Mdello, have you considered that you may actually be helping people less fortunate than you and your family by going to these restaurants? These places provide jobs and income for many people. You could spend your money in much worse ways. I think that continuing to help the hungry but also enjoying your own life by having the occasional meal at a restaurant is ethically unproblematic.
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Sy Borg
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Sy Borg »

Theophane wrote:If you drive a wedge between you and your family, it won't be worth it IMO.
Yes, that's a point I meant to make.

Laga also makes a good point. Our sphere of influence is greater than we imagine and it's worthy to do things that help others generally, not just those in most dire need.

There is a sense of guilt and unworthiness that comes with being lucky enough to be born into favourable circumstances. There is a sense of frustration and powerlessness. The problems of so many people are governed by such huge forces that it's like being an ant worrying about tsunamis.

There are leaders who are capable of breaking through seemingly insurmountable barriers (eg. Gandhi, Mandela, Aung San Suu Kyi) through uncommon commitment, sacrifice and outstanding communication skills. Most people lack their communication and leadership skills, even if they can muster the discipline and motivation.
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated—Gandhi.
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Aristocles »

I would like an update Mdello. I read some quality advice here and hope it has helped you to piece some things together in a more manageable form.

My take is that your philosophy may indeed require some personal therapy. I am saying that in a caring concerned fashion. And I do consider such a process to be a part of philosophy, just more specialized.

Also, I like some in this thread, think it is important to delve into the utilitarianism in greater detail. Those prior have helped to make the distinction between act and rule forms of utilitarianism, either way rather rigorous procedures. As you seem to be inevitably overwhelmed with the "here and now" act view of Singer, it seems some of the emotional things have got you stuck. (a place for which I am not a stranger) Sounds like you have a good heart, but it could very well shorten your life expectancy and in turn your duration of being able to help this world out. I think this is another aspect you have to find balance.

Following some of the rules of utilitarianism you could better appreciate your ability to make a larger impact, as some of the posts suggest. I would agree we are all utilitarians and even go so far as to suggest it is pervasive in our actions. However, being self-defeating is no way to maximize utility.

There was mention of altruistic actions and another mentioned you reflecting what you are doing is for the right reasons. I think this is an important philosophical area to address therapeutically. I see too many powerful forces suggesting we can do things that are not for ourselves, and that appears to be some of that which you are entangled.

I have mentioned some strong deep areas that I find fascinating, but I only recommend them when you are feeling up to it. Take care of yourself, nobody else can do it like you can.
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Mdello
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Mdello »

Hi all, a brief update on how this has gone.

I've been making an effort to focus on the things I can change, and not get too upset about what I can't. Having said that, I still do from time to time, but it's getting better.

I've started a society in my hometown for like-minded people to meet and discuss 'effective altruism', which has certainly helped.

I do believe that I'm doing what I do for the right reasons. I've done international aid work and have seen how people live in developing countries, but even before that I've had a deep desire to help people and make people's lives happier. Nothing makes me happier than making other people happy, and I want to maximise my efficiency in that space, which is what appeals to me most about utilitarianism.

I've come to understand that the best way to encourage others to be a little more giving is through patient and understanding conversations, not getting upset about what people do and judging them.

In summary, I still do think that giving my time and money is the right thing to do, but I'm more conscious of how I do it. I have considered burn-out over a life, but I love what I do and nothing makes me happier than doing what I think is the right thing, so I believe that I'll keep doing it for as long as I live.

Thanks again for all of your advice and support.

Michael
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Aristocles
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Aristocles »

This is proper philosophy Michael. I appreciate you checking in, & encourage you to keep doing what you think is best. Appreciating our connection to others is rather inspiring. You seem to have a good plan. Any advice on what works and what does not is likewise encouraged.
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Eagle
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Eagle »

I guess that helping other people is an extremely effective way to improve the world around us, while also creating our own enjoyment. You seem to have arrived at this primarily through experimental methods. Also, I believe that theoretically we can look at our society as a group of people living together, and operating more effectively together -- all of us, not just the recipients or the givers -- when we help each other out. I would be really curious to learn how your thinking progresses over time!
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Mdello
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Mdello »

I'll be sure to return to this post in the future and let you all know how my journey has gone. All the best until then.
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Sarahfloria »

Mdello, I think that your charitable actions although somewhat honourable are pretty extreme. If you are becoming sad because of what you are doing, stop. Go out and spend that $20 on a meal, you deserve it.

As a person who never ever commits any philanthropic acts due to my admittedly selfish lifestyle, trust me. You should always put yourself and your happiness first in any situation. Maybe charity and being selfless comes second in these types of situations.

I also agree with Scott. Perhaps this is a matter to bring up with a psychologist?
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Lagayscienza
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Re: Living a utilitarian life: struggles

Post by Lagayscienza »

Sarafloria wrote:You should always put yourself and your happiness first in any situation.


Well, at least you're up front about it. But imagine what the world would be like if we all applied this maxim in every situation.
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