Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

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Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by Sushan »

This topic is about the December 2021 Philosophy Book of the Month, A Dream For Peace: An Ambassador Memoir by Dr.Ghoulem Berrah


The author places a lot of emphasis on his relationship his mother, especially as he was growing up. I believe his mother was a special person, from his descriptions. However, I wonder if some of the things he tells about his mother's affection toward him were maybe an embellishment of the facts. For example, how he would wake up at night and find her "standing by his bed, looking at him adoringly". He only mentions his siblings briefly, and rightfully so since it is his memoir, but he doesn't share whether his mother was just as affectionate with them as she was with him. It sounded to me like he was the only thing she focused on! I wonder if his siblings ever awoke during the night and found her "looking adoringly" at them? I just thought it was a relationship too good to be true! What are your thoughts?

Was he his mother's favourite? Can a mother have a favourite child?
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by LuckyR »

Sushan wrote: December 2nd, 2021, 1:31 pm This topic is about the December 2021 Philosophy Book of the Month, A Dream For Peace: An Ambassador Memoir by Dr.Ghoulem Berrah


The author places a lot of emphasis on his relationship his mother, especially as he was growing up. I believe his mother was a special person, from his descriptions. However, I wonder if some of the things he tells about his mother's affection toward him were maybe an embellishment of the facts. For example, how he would wake up at night and find her "standing by his bed, looking at him adoringly". He only mentions his siblings briefly, and rightfully so since it is his memoir, but he doesn't share whether his mother was just as affectionate with them as she was with him. It sounded to me like he was the only thing she focused on! I wonder if his siblings ever awoke during the night and found her "looking adoringly" at them? I just thought it was a relationship too good to be true! What are your thoughts?

Was he his mother's favourite? Can a mother have a favourite child?
You bring up two interesting but unrelated issues. First, parents can definitely have favorites among their children. How could they not, is a better question.

As to the accuracy of memoirs, they are notoriously inaccurate. Who writes memoirs? Famous people. Famous people believe, to a greater or lesser degree, the hype about themselves that their fame creates. Thus memoirs seek to explain to the nonfamous, what about their life experience resulted in their fame. Hard work, skill, talent, connections and inspiration are all cited, yet the true answer that explains over-the-top success is luck. But "I got lucky" is not so easy on the ego.
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by Gee »

I like your response LuckyR.

I did not read the book, but my first thought after reading the OP was to question whether or not the author of the book was a little narcissistic.

Gee
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by Sushan »

LuckyR wrote: December 2nd, 2021, 2:26 pm
Sushan wrote: December 2nd, 2021, 1:31 pm This topic is about the December 2021 Philosophy Book of the Month, A Dream For Peace: An Ambassador Memoir by Dr.Ghoulem Berrah


The author places a lot of emphasis on his relationship his mother, especially as he was growing up. I believe his mother was a special person, from his descriptions. However, I wonder if some of the things he tells about his mother's affection toward him were maybe an embellishment of the facts. For example, how he would wake up at night and find her "standing by his bed, looking at him adoringly". He only mentions his siblings briefly, and rightfully so since it is his memoir, but he doesn't share whether his mother was just as affectionate with them as she was with him. It sounded to me like he was the only thing she focused on! I wonder if his siblings ever awoke during the night and found her "looking adoringly" at them? I just thought it was a relationship too good to be true! What are your thoughts?

Was he his mother's favourite? Can a mother have a favourite child?
You bring up two interesting but unrelated issues. First, parents can definitely have favorites among their children. How could they not, is a better question.

As to the accuracy of memoirs, they are notoriously inaccurate. Who writes memoirs? Famous people. Famous people believe, to a greater or lesser degree, the hype about themselves that their fame creates. Thus memoirs seek to explain to the nonfamous, what about their life experience resulted in their fame. Hard work, skill, talent, connections and inspiration are all cited, yet the true answer that explains over-the-top success is luck. But "I got lucky" is not so easy on the ego.
You are correct about memoirs. None of the memoirs are about failures. All of them are about successful people. So they relate their success to every good thing that they can refer to retrospectively. But what might this author's need have been to show him being his mother's favourite kid? What gain he would have got?

And for the favourite kid part, yes, we all have our favourites, and it is common to parents too since they are also human. But showing it openly cannot be justified, can it?
“There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers”

– William James
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by Sushan »

Gee wrote: December 2nd, 2021, 7:05 pm I like your response LuckyR.

I did not read the book, but my first thought after reading the OP was to question whether or not the author of the book was a little narcissistic.

Gee
I am not certain whether the author was narcissistic in real life. But by the way he has emphasized himself in his book as a very important, very much needed, and always successful person, I have to agree that that is quite narcissistic. The events of his life are too good to believe, and he should have been too lucky to win in every situation as the book has depicted.
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by LuckyR »

Sushan wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 12:19 pm
LuckyR wrote: December 2nd, 2021, 2:26 pm
Sushan wrote: December 2nd, 2021, 1:31 pm This topic is about the December 2021 Philosophy Book of the Month, A Dream For Peace: An Ambassador Memoir by Dr.Ghoulem Berrah


The author places a lot of emphasis on his relationship his mother, especially as he was growing up. I believe his mother was a special person, from his descriptions. However, I wonder if some of the things he tells about his mother's affection toward him were maybe an embellishment of the facts. For example, how he would wake up at night and find her "standing by his bed, looking at him adoringly". He only mentions his siblings briefly, and rightfully so since it is his memoir, but he doesn't share whether his mother was just as affectionate with them as she was with him. It sounded to me like he was the only thing she focused on! I wonder if his siblings ever awoke during the night and found her "looking adoringly" at them? I just thought it was a relationship too good to be true! What are your thoughts?

Was he his mother's favourite? Can a mother have a favourite child?
You bring up two interesting but unrelated issues. First, parents can definitely have favorites among their children. How could they not, is a better question.

As to the accuracy of memoirs, they are notoriously inaccurate. Who writes memoirs? Famous people. Famous people believe, to a greater or lesser degree, the hype about themselves that their fame creates. Thus memoirs seek to explain to the nonfamous, what about their life experience resulted in their fame. Hard work, skill, talent, connections and inspiration are all cited, yet the true answer that explains over-the-top success is luck. But "I got lucky" is not so easy on the ego.
You are correct about memoirs. None of the memoirs are about failures. All of them are about successful people. So they relate their success to every good thing that they can refer to retrospectively. But what might this author's need have been to show him being his mother's favourite kid? What gain he would have got?

And for the favourite kid part, yes, we all have our favourites, and it is common to parents too since they are also human. But showing it openly cannot be justified, can it?

Either the author is over the top self absorbed, has issues with his siblings and/or has a terrible mother.

Parents can correctly have an adult conversation with their adult children about their personal preferences, if and only if all of the children are well adjusted, are without any serious rivalry issues and are preferably parents themselves. However even then I would not recommend it.
"As usual... it depends."
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by Sculptor1 »

No one is treated with absolute equanimity.
We all have favourites. Our favours might direct to different and specific aspects, but yes parents have favorites.

For example when it comes to being solid and relaible my favourite niece is A. When it comes to smiles and affection my favourite niece is B. I have an averall favorite too.
The same applies to dogs, meals, gadgets cars and every thing else.
Humans discriminate.
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by Sushan »

LuckyR wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 7:05 pm
Sushan wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 12:19 pm
LuckyR wrote: December 2nd, 2021, 2:26 pm
Sushan wrote: December 2nd, 2021, 1:31 pm This topic is about the December 2021 Philosophy Book of the Month, A Dream For Peace: An Ambassador Memoir by Dr.Ghoulem Berrah


The author places a lot of emphasis on his relationship his mother, especially as he was growing up. I believe his mother was a special person, from his descriptions. However, I wonder if some of the things he tells about his mother's affection toward him were maybe an embellishment of the facts. For example, how he would wake up at night and find her "standing by his bed, looking at him adoringly". He only mentions his siblings briefly, and rightfully so since it is his memoir, but he doesn't share whether his mother was just as affectionate with them as she was with him. It sounded to me like he was the only thing she focused on! I wonder if his siblings ever awoke during the night and found her "looking adoringly" at them? I just thought it was a relationship too good to be true! What are your thoughts?

Was he his mother's favourite? Can a mother have a favourite child?
You bring up two interesting but unrelated issues. First, parents can definitely have favorites among their children. How could they not, is a better question.

As to the accuracy of memoirs, they are notoriously inaccurate. Who writes memoirs? Famous people. Famous people believe, to a greater or lesser degree, the hype about themselves that their fame creates. Thus memoirs seek to explain to the nonfamous, what about their life experience resulted in their fame. Hard work, skill, talent, connections and inspiration are all cited, yet the true answer that explains over-the-top success is luck. But "I got lucky" is not so easy on the ego.
You are correct about memoirs. None of the memoirs are about failures. All of them are about successful people. So they relate their success to every good thing that they can refer to retrospectively. But what might this author's need have been to show him being his mother's favourite kid? What gain he would have got?

And for the favourite kid part, yes, we all have our favourites, and it is common to parents too since they are also human. But showing it openly cannot be justified, can it?

Either the author is over the top self absorbed, has issues with his siblings and/or has a terrible mother.

Parents can correctly have an adult conversation with their adult children about their personal preferences, if and only if all of the children are well adjusted, are without any serious rivalry issues and are preferably parents themselves. However even then I would not recommend it.
Though you are a parent, well adjusted in your personal life, and having no mental, psychological or social issues, I do not think it will be tolerable to hear that your parents prefer your sibling more over you. So direct conveyance of such a thing will not be a good idea at all. The acts of parents usually lead the children to think that they are having unequal preferences, and it can very well set off rivalry between the siblings.
“There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers”

– William James
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by Sushan »

Sculptor1 wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 7:23 pm No one is treated with absolute equanimity.
We all have favourites. Our favours might direct to different and specific aspects, but yes parents have favorites.

For example when it comes to being solid and relaible my favourite niece is A. When it comes to smiles and affection my favourite niece is B. I have an averall favorite too.
The same applies to dogs, meals, gadgets cars and every thing else.
Humans discriminate.
Humans have likes and dislikes, and that is in their nature. But when you become a parent that usual behaviour and thought procedure should change by a bit towards your own kids. Anyone can have favourite dogs, meals, or even siblings. But I do not think a child might have a favourite parent out of the two. And it is advised not to ask from kids to who they love most, mother or the father, because it is really a hard question, and it gets even harder when both parents are present. I think the same applies to parents when it comes to their own children.
“There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers”

– William James
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by Sculptor1 »

Sushan wrote: December 7th, 2021, 12:44 pm
Sculptor1 wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 7:23 pm No one is treated with absolute equanimity.
We all have favourites. Our favours might direct to different and specific aspects, but yes parents have favorites.

For example when it comes to being solid and relaible my favourite niece is A. When it comes to smiles and affection my favourite niece is B. I have an averall favorite too.
The same applies to dogs, meals, gadgets cars and every thing else.
Humans discriminate.
Humans have likes and dislikes, and that is in their nature. But when you become a parent that usual behaviour and thought procedure should change by a bit towards your own kids. Anyone can have favourite dogs, meals, or even siblings. But I do not think a child might have a favourite parent out of the two.
Every child has a preference for one parent or another. Though this may change over time according to age and activities it is nonethless true.
And it is advised not to ask from kids to who they love most, mother or the father, because it is really a hard question, and it gets even harder when both parents are present. I think the same applies to parents when it comes to their own children.
Kids are very artuculate about whom they favour too. They know who is the best at bed time stories, who is best at helping them with homework and who is best when playing football.
It is unreasonable to expect children to surpress these ideas.
Parents, though, have a responsibility to minimise their favoritism and spread their love and attention as evenly as possible.
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by LuckyR »

Sushan wrote: December 7th, 2021, 12:40 pm
LuckyR wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 7:05 pm
Sushan wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 12:19 pm
LuckyR wrote: December 2nd, 2021, 2:26 pm

You bring up two interesting but unrelated issues. First, parents can definitely have favorites among their children. How could they not, is a better question.

As to the accuracy of memoirs, they are notoriously inaccurate. Who writes memoirs? Famous people. Famous people believe, to a greater or lesser degree, the hype about themselves that their fame creates. Thus memoirs seek to explain to the nonfamous, what about their life experience resulted in their fame. Hard work, skill, talent, connections and inspiration are all cited, yet the true answer that explains over-the-top success is luck. But "I got lucky" is not so easy on the ego.
You are correct about memoirs. None of the memoirs are about failures. All of them are about successful people. So they relate their success to every good thing that they can refer to retrospectively. But what might this author's need have been to show him being his mother's favourite kid? What gain he would have got?

And for the favourite kid part, yes, we all have our favourites, and it is common to parents too since they are also human. But showing it openly cannot be justified, can it?

Either the author is over the top self absorbed, has issues with his siblings and/or has a terrible mother.

Parents can correctly have an adult conversation with their adult children about their personal preferences, if and only if all of the children are well adjusted, are without any serious rivalry issues and are preferably parents themselves. However even then I would not recommend it.
Though you are a parent, well adjusted in your personal life, and having no mental, psychological or social issues, I do not think it will be tolerable to hear that your parents prefer your sibling more over you. So direct conveyance of such a thing will not be a good idea at all. The acts of parents usually lead the children to think that they are having unequal preferences, and it can very well set off rivalry between the siblings.
We are in agreement that the situation where such a discussion could not be negative would be rare. We differ in our understanding that rare is different from never.
"As usual... it depends."
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by Sushan »

Sculptor1 wrote: December 7th, 2021, 1:06 pm
Sushan wrote: December 7th, 2021, 12:44 pm
Sculptor1 wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 7:23 pm No one is treated with absolute equanimity.
We all have favourites. Our favours might direct to different and specific aspects, but yes parents have favorites.

For example when it comes to being solid and relaible my favourite niece is A. When it comes to smiles and affection my favourite niece is B. I have an averall favorite too.
The same applies to dogs, meals, gadgets cars and every thing else.
Humans discriminate.
Humans have likes and dislikes, and that is in their nature. But when you become a parent that usual behaviour and thought procedure should change by a bit towards your own kids. Anyone can have favourite dogs, meals, or even siblings. But I do not think a child might have a favourite parent out of the two.
Every child has a preference for one parent or another. Though this may change over time according to age and activities it is nonethless true.
And it is advised not to ask from kids to who they love most, mother or the father, because it is really a hard question, and it gets even harder when both parents are present. I think the same applies to parents when it comes to their own children.
Kids are very artuculate about whom they favour too. They know who is the best at bed time stories, who is best at helping them with homework and who is best when playing football.
It is unreasonable to expect children to surpress these ideas.
Parents, though, have a responsibility to minimise their favoritism and spread their love and attention as evenly as possible.
It is commonly said that naturally boys are more close to mother and girls to father. I think this comes with Freudian psychology. Children can show in open to whom they like or love more. And there is no need to supress that since parents are (or should be) mature enough to tolerate not being the favourite parent of his/her own child. But I do not think not asking from children which parent they love most is a suppression, and it is a situation which is better to avoid for the sake of the comfort of the child.
“There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers”

– William James
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by Sushan »

LuckyR wrote: December 7th, 2021, 8:31 pm
Sushan wrote: December 7th, 2021, 12:40 pm
LuckyR wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 7:05 pm
Sushan wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 12:19 pm

You are correct about memoirs. None of the memoirs are about failures. All of them are about successful people. So they relate their success to every good thing that they can refer to retrospectively. But what might this author's need have been to show him being his mother's favourite kid? What gain he would have got?

And for the favourite kid part, yes, we all have our favourites, and it is common to parents too since they are also human. But showing it openly cannot be justified, can it?

Either the author is over the top self absorbed, has issues with his siblings and/or has a terrible mother.

Parents can correctly have an adult conversation with their adult children about their personal preferences, if and only if all of the children are well adjusted, are without any serious rivalry issues and are preferably parents themselves. However even then I would not recommend it.
Though you are a parent, well adjusted in your personal life, and having no mental, psychological or social issues, I do not think it will be tolerable to hear that your parents prefer your sibling more over you. So direct conveyance of such a thing will not be a good idea at all. The acts of parents usually lead the children to think that they are having unequal preferences, and it can very well set off rivalry between the siblings.
We are in agreement that the situation where such a discussion could not be negative would be rare. We differ in our understanding that rare is different from never.
In this particular topic I think rare is much closer to never. I may not be able to tolerate being the less favourite child of my parents. And usually this is the issue with younger children of a family, in which the elder kids have already achieved a lot and the parents take them as the ideal examples for younger children, inevitability letting them to have the idea that the parents love the elder children more. Only a kid with either a very strong mind or one who does not care at all will ignore being the less (or least) favourite child of his/her parents.
“There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers”

– William James
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by Sculptor1 »

Sushan wrote: December 10th, 2021, 7:01 pm
Sculptor1 wrote: December 7th, 2021, 1:06 pm
Sushan wrote: December 7th, 2021, 12:44 pm
Sculptor1 wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 7:23 pm No one is treated with absolute equanimity.
We all have favourites. Our favours might direct to different and specific aspects, but yes parents have favorites.

For example when it comes to being solid and relaible my favourite niece is A. When it comes to smiles and affection my favourite niece is B. I have an averall favorite too.
The same applies to dogs, meals, gadgets cars and every thing else.
Humans discriminate.
Humans have likes and dislikes, and that is in their nature. But when you become a parent that usual behaviour and thought procedure should change by a bit towards your own kids. Anyone can have favourite dogs, meals, or even siblings. But I do not think a child might have a favourite parent out of the two.
Every child has a preference for one parent or another. Though this may change over time according to age and activities it is nonethless true.
And it is advised not to ask from kids to who they love most, mother or the father, because it is really a hard question, and it gets even harder when both parents are present. I think the same applies to parents when it comes to their own children.
Kids are very artuculate about whom they favour too. They know who is the best at bed time stories, who is best at helping them with homework and who is best when playing football.
It is unreasonable to expect children to surpress these ideas.
Parents, though, have a responsibility to minimise their favoritism and spread their love and attention as evenly as possible.
It is commonly said that naturally boys are more close to mother and girls to father.
Where on earth do you get such silly ideas. That is false.
Where you attracted to your mother? Maybe you think your daughter if you have one is attracted to you.
My advice - avoid incest.
I think this comes with Freudian psychology.
Freud was a product of a generation of sexual repression. THis is in no way "natural".
He is widely debunked, and rarely used thse days. He still commands respect as the first in the field of psychology, but I do not think he is taken seriously mcuh these days.
Children can show in open to whom they like or love more. And there is no need to supress that since parents are (or should be) mature enough to tolerate not being the favourite parent of his/her own child. But I do not think not asking from children which parent they love most is a suppression, and it is a situation which is better to avoid for the sake of the comfort of the child.
Last edited by Sculptor1 on December 10th, 2021, 7:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Can a mother have a Favourite Child?

Post by LuckyR »

Sushan wrote: December 10th, 2021, 7:07 pm
LuckyR wrote: December 7th, 2021, 8:31 pm
Sushan wrote: December 7th, 2021, 12:40 pm
LuckyR wrote: December 3rd, 2021, 7:05 pm


Either the author is over the top self absorbed, has issues with his siblings and/or has a terrible mother.

Parents can correctly have an adult conversation with their adult children about their personal preferences, if and only if all of the children are well adjusted, are without any serious rivalry issues and are preferably parents themselves. However even then I would not recommend it.
Though you are a parent, well adjusted in your personal life, and having no mental, psychological or social issues, I do not think it will be tolerable to hear that your parents prefer your sibling more over you. So direct conveyance of such a thing will not be a good idea at all. The acts of parents usually lead the children to think that they are having unequal preferences, and it can very well set off rivalry between the siblings.
We are in agreement that the situation where such a discussion could not be negative would be rare. We differ in our understanding that rare is different from never.
In this particular topic I think rare is much closer to never. I may not be able to tolerate being the less favourite child of my parents. And usually this is the issue with younger children of a family, in which the elder kids have already achieved a lot and the parents take them as the ideal examples for younger children, inevitability letting them to have the idea that the parents love the elder children more. Only a kid with either a very strong mind or one who does not care at all will ignore being the less (or least) favourite child of his/her parents.
Agreed, but you aren't everybody. It can be difficult to appreciate that something that one cannot tolerate is no big deal to someone else. After all, every parent is also a child. If you understand the concept with your children, why can't you with your parents? Answer is, some can.
"As usual... it depends."
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