Kaitlyn Wadsworth wrote: ↑June 21st, 2023, 3:50 am
There is a problem with the knee jerk reaction of behaving in the opposite manner to how a parent behaved towards us. I'll illustrate. Johnny received so much corporal punishment that he didn't punish his children at all. I don't need to write here how his children may likely turn out. There needs to be balance, not opposite behavior.
To achieve balance you have to start from a place where you truly understand and can make allowances for the excesses of a parent. For example, my mother lived during the years of World War 2. There was little food. This made her a mother who didn't like wastage of food in any way form and believed that 'skinny' was the norm. Treats were issued very sparingly. My sisters and I would be lectured about what we ate if we put on weight. We had to eat everything on our plates even if we truly hated what was before us. I am a bit like this as well, but I am accepting of those who easily put on weight. I am against wastage in a balanced way. I have two children who have sensory sensitivities and they literally cannot eat certain textures and flavors. Grandma thinks they are being molly coddled. I don't react. I understand and make allowances. To both the Mum and the kids.
If a parent over-disciplines, it may be a result of receiving similar punishment as a child. On the scales of justice it goes against the grain to let our own children get away with things. On the other hand we don't want to lean too far in the opposite direction and not provide boundaries at all. Balance means we will choose other ways to discipline. Make the punishment fit the crime. Give one chance before punishing unjustly and warn about the consequences before reacting. Be consistent. Keep our own feelings out of it. Explosions of anger can be just as harmful as no reaction at all.
If our parent seemed unloving find out how they were loved or not. If circumstances during our parent's life meant they did not have the emotional support they needed it is understandable that they cannot give what they didn't receive. We can be different but it needs to be genuine. Not pasted on. Treat our parent better than they deserve and you will likely be treated with more love than you thought they are capable of. And remember to show genuine love to your own children. Children these days don't have the same resilience which is another reason to not repeat the mistakes of a previous generation.
Kaitlyn
Reflecting on your personal experiences, it's evident that you've made a conscious effort to understand the context of your mother's parenting style and adapt it in a way that suits the needs of your own children. Your approach aligns with the concept of "reflective parenting," where understanding one's childhood experiences and their impact on parenting decisions is crucial.
In your case, recognizing your mother's aversion to wastage and her stringent dietary control, and then adapting it to be more understanding of your children's sensory sensitivities, is a great example of this. It shows a thoughtful application of past experiences to present-day parenting, keeping in mind the individual needs of each child.
Your approach to discipline, advocating for a balanced method that is neither too lenient nor too harsh, also aligns with modern psychological understanding. According to studies on parenting styles, such as those by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind, a balanced approach (often termed as 'authoritative parenting') is associated with positive child outcomes, including higher self-esteem, better social skills, and academic success.
Furthermore, your emphasis on genuine emotional connection and understanding both towards your parent and your children resonates with the concept of 'emotional intelligence' in parenting. This concept, popularized by psychologist Daniel Goleman, suggests that understanding and managing our emotions, and empathizing with others, are key components of effective parenting.
Reflecting on your experiences and these concepts, how do you see the balance between understanding past parenting styles and adapting to the unique challenges of modern parenting?