Maryam wrote: ↑April 17th, 2022, 2:55 am
The title says "avoid mistakes", but the author did almost everything reverse/opposite. This is not how it works!
Maybe this is how our relationship with our parents works; we are more judgmental about their relationship with us, others, and each other than any other person on Earth because here we involve the first and premature onset of emotions in our lives. We never become neutral to see what they did wrong and a lot of other things they did the best to us. Maybe we think they are guilty of bringing us into this cruel world.
Not raising your child like you were raised, you should become an observer without intervention as well as judgment to your memories and retain a lot of good things which happened to you in that era including improving bad things in your child's life. Moreover, as everyone has different needs or priorities; so do the children. Listen to the needs of your kid and try to fulfill them instead of being in the past trauma and preparing for your kid to say the same what you perceive about your parents.
I totally agree. I think the key is to develop EMPATHY instead of trying to do better than our parents did. Everybody feels the same and everybody has the same needs, the difference is how strong those are. Therefore, If we are able to empathise and identify the needs and feeling of the others, if we listen from the heart and make our goal to truly listen (our children, our parents, our neighbours) we will be on the path to make a deeper connection and therefore closer to avoid the "mistakes" that our parents "committed".
I wouldn't say that our parents "made mistakes". This is too judgmental from my point of view. I argue that most people are not trained on identifying feelings and needs. Therefore most parents often fail to act in consequence and aligned to their children's needs.
This "mistakes" are the direct consequence therefore of a child having a need, a parent not being able to identify it, and an action that is not aligned with the child's need. This causes a struggle, but not a mistake from my point of view. The struggle or bad consequences for the child are the consequence of parent's ignorance or what I call "empathy illiteracy".
To reinforce my argument, let's do the following mental exercise: let's call C = child, P=parent, A=action
1. C has a certain need.
2. P is not empathy literate
3. P commits A (for whatever reason)
4. A is not aligned to C's needs
But, let's asume now in another case, that:
4. A IS ALIGNED to C's needs.
In this case P is still "empathy-illiterate", but A does not cause struggle!
Therefore, calling the first case a mistake assumes that P is empathy Literate, knows what C needs and commits A (not aligned with C's needs) anyway!
This intentionality is for me not obvious. Anybody could argue also that if C had a different need, A could fit the situation and there would be no struggle!
Therefore, I argue that the issue with parenting is the incapacity of most people to listen empathically (meaning reading/identifying children's needs).
If we only focus on trying to fulfil the needs that our parents didn't, we might not fulfil our children's ones!!! It is therefore obvious that the chances of "commiting a mistake" are REALLY HIGH!