Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Discuss the November 2022 Philosophy Book of the Month, In It Together: The Beautiful Struggle Uniting Us All by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes.

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Eckhart Aurelius Hughes
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes »

Hi, Christell Lindeque,

Thank you for your reply! :)
Christell Lindeque wrote: March 3rd, 2023, 12:47 pm I am not sure how I feel about this quote. The first part of the quote is what I agree with. I do, however, have mixed feelings about the second part. This will only work if the other person in the relationship returns the sentiment.
If I recall correctly, the quote was at least, if not moreso, in the context of temporal unity (loving your self across time) rather than spatially (e.g. a single partner in a romantic relationship loving the other).

Temporally, an example of loving sacrifice would be me, 36-year-old Scott, being happy to sacrifice comfort today by running on the torture machine we call a treadmill out of love for 37-year-old Scott, so he can reap the more material rewards of my sacrifice.

Spatially, an example of loving sacrifice would include me, 36-year-old Scott, being happy to exhaust myself work hard to make money to put food on the table to feed my kids, or otherwise being willing to sacrifice comfort for the sake of my kids and endure great pains, fears, risks, and even death for them. I can imagine many scenarios where, out of live, I would be happy to sacrifice my life for my kids.

You mention the condition of "if the other person in the relationship returns the sentiment". I think you are talking about something very different than what I am. You are talking about something much more transactional, like "I'll give you $20 per hour if you work for me," or "I won't sleep with other people if you don't." There is nothing wrong with such business-like conditional transactions, and as a human I engage in them plenty, but it's just a very different subject.

Thank you again for your reply!


Thank you,
Scott
My entire political philosophy summed up in one tweet.

"The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master."

I believe spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) manifests as bravery, confidence, grace, honesty, love, and inner peace.
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes »

ReviewsByChristine wrote: March 2nd, 2023, 2:34 pm I think this statement stands alone. In fact, it very concisely captures my entire existence as a parent of toddlers. I have sacrificed many things that make me as an individual happy (traveling, adventure sports, free time, money, the ability to use the bathroom alone ha ha ha). But I am very happy to do so as the parent journey brings a different type of longer term love and joy.
A wonderful example! :D
My entire political philosophy summed up in one tweet.

"The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master."

I believe spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) manifests as bravery, confidence, grace, honesty, love, and inner peace.
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes »

Mounce574 wrote: February 10th, 2023, 5:04 am After rereading the book and reflecting more on this question I think I have come to this conclusion: You will never sacrifice yourself if you do not have inner peace. If you have inner peace you are not resigning yourself to the thought of not being happy because we want those around us to be happy [...]
Yes, I agree. Wisely stated! :)

In fact, I think I'll make a note of myself to possible state that fact in the way you have in a future edition of the book.

I think that speaks to the deep inherent connection between what inner peace and what I call spiritual freedom.

Those without either tend to go through life as an AI-like machine whose sole purpose is to avoid pain/discomfort/death/etc. and seek out as much comfort, sensual pleasure and physical safety as possible. And we can easily see why such a person would tend to not have as much commitment or consistency when it comes to something extremely uncomfortable like running on a treadmill or happily doing the work of being a great parent, or in other words of being happy to sacrifice.

In contrast, having inner peace is associated with being liberated (i.e. freed) from being a slave to mere bodily feelings like pain, fear, and hunger. The one with inner peace and spiritual freedom doesn't need to eat simply because they are hungry, and would even be very happy to experience severe hunger if sacrificing eating was done out of true love. Another word for that is transcendence, meaning transcending feelings like pain, fear, and hunger. Transcending means you still have them, but you aren't a slave to them. With fear, we call such transcendence bravery. Bravery is not the absence of fear. Quite the opposite, bravery cannot exist without fear. One must be afraid to be brave. The same goes for transcendence of other similar feelings such as pain, hunger, and discomfort.


Thank you,
Scott
My entire political philosophy summed up in one tweet.

"The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master."

I believe spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) manifests as bravery, confidence, grace, honesty, love, and inner peace.
Salah bourouba
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Salah bourouba »

True love is not needing to sacrifice anything that you desire but rather accepting that you might need time apart now to be happy in the future. It's all about compromise.
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sam_rahman12
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by sam_rahman12 »

This is one of my favourite quotes of the book. And yes, this is true for all relationships so this quote retains the meaning even without the context. The context makes it even better though!
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Vivian Writes »

I think this sentence is full of meaning that can be grasped right away even when not given further context. It strikes deep and it is the truth to me. When you keep sacrificing your happiness for “true love,” that love soon turns sour as resentment keeps piling. But being happy to sacrifice is a different ball game.
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brit
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by brit »

I think this quote can be retain its meaning without another contexts. It’s beautiful and meaningful. One can apply that quote if there’s a sincerity in their heart. There will be no happiness without sincerity in it.
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Nletachi Otuokere »

I believe the following paragraph contains the author's response to this. If your inner serenity is what makes you happy, you shouldn't give it up. You will be miserable if you give that up, and it won't be a loving sacrifice either.
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Nletachi Otuokere »

Without the complete context, I think this phrase still makes sense. Since the giver thinks he is content to make a sacrifice, true love does not demand anything from him. Without conditions. I don't anticipate her feeling the same way that I am willing to put my life in danger to protect the woman I love. I am certain in her love for me, and that is what matters most to me.
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes »

"True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Thank you all for the wonderful feedback about the above quote from my book! :D

Below are some elaborations on this concept, especially in regard to sacrifices made for older versions of the human you see in the mirror (i.e. your so-called future self), and thus about the potential for being happy to lovingly sacrifice for your future self versus being in a toxic pseudo-loving relationship with your future self that keeps you stuck in a cycle of self-abusive misery.


Feel free to generously and lovingly sacrifice much for those you love, including your so-called future self, but never sacrifice your happiness.

If you're in the habit today of sacrificing your happiness today so you can be happy tomorrow, you'll probably still have that habit tomorrow, and so you almost certainly won't be happy tomorrow either. By sacrificing your happiness today allegedly in the name of your future self's happiness, you actually condemn both of you to unhappiness and misery, a cyclical sticky habit that will likely continue for a long time and quite possibly your entire human life.

If the sacrifices you're making today for the sake of your future self make you unhappy today, then that is generally foolish, toxic, and unkind--to both your present self and your future self. It will hurt you and your future self. In addition to the unhappiness you give Today You, you also curse Future You too by building that self-hurtful habit.

The primary factor in whether your future self is happy is whether you start right now today building the habits of happiness, such as deep daily constant gratitude, appreciation, and full and unconditional acceptance of that which you cannot control. We're talking about an acceptance so full and unconditional that it is rightly called love, with such deep true unconditional love making you happy. If you really love, you are happy to love--truly happy.

In contrast, if one thinks happiness depends on reaching greener grass, they will willingly tolerate unhappiness today to spend today unhappily chasing greener grass. They will then not only be unhappy today by willingly tolerating unhappiness today, but they will curse their future self with the self-abusive habit of unhappily chasing ever-greener grass. Like Sisyphus's curse, it's an endless one.

For that person, there will always be greener grass to chase; the grass will always be greener on the other side; and they will thus always be unhappy.

There is a reason I use the word 'cyclical' 14 times in my book In It Together.

An unhappy alcoholic is unhappy when he drinks, so he quits and becomes sober. Then he is unhappy sober, so he starts drinking again. He is unhappy after one drink so he has two, and he is unhappy after two so he has three. He is unhappy binge drinking so he becomes sober for a bit again, but he's unhappy in that so he chases the greener grass of sobriety again.

The unhappy addict unhappily chases greener grass. He always finds the grass on the other side to seem greener. Hence, why addictive behavior is cyclical.

The true loving happiness that is consistent unwavering free-spirited inner peace is the key to consistency, determination, and success. Such determined consistency is really just another name for being in a cooperative truly loving relationship with your selves over time, which is in direct contrast to the toxic pseudo-loving happiness-sacrificing self-abusive relationship a textbook addict has with himself. Where the addict is in a repeating cycle of greener-grass-chasing misery, we can all find liberation in the form of the spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) that comes with inner peace and true love.

So I end like I started: Feel free to generously and lovingly sacrifice much for those you love, including your so-called future self, but never sacrifice your happiness. Sacrifice lovingly, be loving, and be happy. Now. Today. :)

It's within your power of choice to start enjoying the unwavering true happiness that is consistent inner peace today right now, and then keep that habit for the rest of your life.

The choice is yours and yours alone. And, whatever you choose, I accept and respect it.


With love,
Scott "Eckhart Aurelius" Hughes
My entire political philosophy summed up in one tweet.

"The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master."

I believe spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) manifests as bravery, confidence, grace, honesty, love, and inner peace.
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Nganyi Humphrey »

To a certain extent, I agree with the above-stated quote. I don't think we should always sacrifice happily for the person we love. A person's sacrifice should not be to such an extent that it is prejudicial to our normalcy or cause physical or psychological pain.
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes »

Nganyi Humphrey wrote: May 18th, 2023, 6:03 am To a certain extent, I agree with the above-stated quote. I don't think we should always sacrifice happily for the person we love. A person's sacrifice should not be to such an extent that it is prejudicial to our normalcy or cause physical or psychological pain.
Thank you for your reply! :)

Out of mere curiosity, may I ask if you have read In It Together in full?

One thing I would hope that someone who read would come to thereby see is that there is absolutely nothing at all that we "should" do (nor that we "should" not do).

There is love. There is desire. There is choice. But there is no 'should'. :)


Thank you,
Scott
My entire political philosophy summed up in one tweet.

"The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master."

I believe spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) manifests as bravery, confidence, grace, honesty, love, and inner peace.
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by NaghmaQ »

I agree with the quote. It is out of true and unconditional love that one would want to happily give up or sacrifice something for someone without expecting similar behavior in return. I could see such a form of love many times among parents for their children. As I saw it in my father. He would happily face the pain of some action just to take away his children's pain, or to give some comfort or support, even when we could have taken care of ourselves. He is no more in this world today, and as I am raising my kids today, making some sacrifices happily while finding other sacrifices really difficult, I think of him as an inspiration because I know he would have done everything happily.
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Anil G »

I think it is quoted clearly and its simple to interpret. If a person makes sacrifice in love but also upset about it then that person will eventually find ways to move on with that decision. On the other hand if a person makes a sacrifice happily in love then that person will feel great. It is true love if the sacrifice made happily and if not happily than at least moves on easily.
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Davy Ifedigbo
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Re: Page 174: "True love is not sacrificing your happiness for another; true love is being happy to sacrifice."

Post by Davy Ifedigbo »

I think that assertion maintains its significance adequately by itself. Giving up something important is an integral aspect of every connection. Nobody is flawless, therefore, when two flawed individuals opt to unite, it is inevitable that, at some stage, both sides will need to surrender something to sustain their relationship. Nevertheless, if their love is genuine, the act of relinquishing would be worthwhile.
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