The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Discuss the November 2022 Philosophy Book of the Month, In It Together: The Beautiful Struggle Uniting Us All by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes.

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Eckhart Aurelius Hughes
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The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes »

This is a discussion forum topic for the November 2022 Philosophy Book of the Month, In It Together: The Beautiful Struggle Uniting Us All.


My book, In It Together, helps the willing reader to willfully reprogram their mind to be much more precise, peaceful, and conducive to happiness and incredible success, such as by doing one's best to let go of dangerous misery-inducing words like:

- must

- have to

- need to

- should

- ought

- try


If you want my advice, then I give you this: I recommend you do your absolute best to avoid saying or even thinking any of the above six phrases.

In the sense of destroying your happiness, and potentially making you depressed, willfully using words like those above are like the fire that destroys a beloved house. The fire is both the most noticeable symptom and the primary cause. Fire begets yet more fire. What causes the big fire is the small fire, and before that the tiny flame. It is the cause and the symptom.

The human mind is a narrative-making machine. Waking life is much, much, much more similar to a dream at night than most people realize. What you see--and even the concept of sight itself--is so much more of a figment of your mind's imagination than you probably realize.

Miserable people tell themselves miserable stories, and miserable stories make people more miserable. It's a feedback loop, like a spreading fire, or even a consuming cancer.

It's not just about happiness, because free-spirited happiness leads to success, not vice versa. So it's also about success--incredible success--in business, finance, family life, romantic relationships, and even fitness goals.

My book teaches you that you are not your mind, meaning you don't have to believe what the mind says, but my book also shows you how easily you can reprogram your mind, so that it can serve you rather than have you serve it, as if you were a slave, a prisoner in your own body. You can free yourself, your true self. You can free your spirit, meaning you can be free-spirited. And, then, you can reprogram your mind. It's much like swapping out parts in your car, or reformatting the hard-drive on your home computer.

As always, the choice is yours, and when it comes to your choices, you always get exactly what you want.


With love,
Eckhart Aurelius Hughes




---
In addition to having authored his book, In It Together, Eckhart Aurelius Hughes (a.k.a. Scott) runs a mentoring program, with a free option, that guarantees success. Success is guaranteed for anyone who follows the program, both for the free option and the paid option. If you follow the program but don't achieve your goal, you'll get your money back plus $100. For the free option, that means you will still get paid $100 if you don't achieve your goal using his free advice and free system.

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My entire political philosophy summed up in one tweet.

"The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master."

I believe spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) manifests as bravery, confidence, grace, honesty, love, and inner peace.
Jennifer Coxon
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Jennifer Coxon »

I agree, these are very dangerous words. They are built into our vocabulary as we grow up and are very controlling of how we perceive rules, tasks and abilities. They creep into all aspects of my life, my work, and how I act at work (for example, feeling like I need to work through my lunch break - change ‘need to’ to ‘ought’ or ‘should’ on any given day). It is very disheartening when you realise you are doing this to yourself.
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Catalina Isabel »

I totally agree with the fiest 5, Scott. Especially when in a relationship, always telling the other person what they should be doing is not going to help anyone and will drive people apart. Also, with negative self talk, as often these words may creep into our thoughts and create negative feelings.

I do wonder about "try" though and why this is negative? especially with kids for example, I think trying is a positive thing. E.g.: I may say to my young kids "wow that's great you tried to build that tower, even if it fell over. Perhaps we can try again?"

Perhaps you could give me an example?
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Jennifer Coxon »

Catalina Isabel wrote: June 18th, 2023, 4:18 am I totally agree with the fiest 5, Scott. Especially when in a relationship, always telling the other person what they should be doing is not going to help anyone and will drive people apart. Also, with negative self talk, as often these words may creep into our thoughts and create negative feelings.

I do wonder about "try" though and why this is negative? especially with kids for example, I think trying is a positive thing. E.g.: I may say to my young kids "wow that's great you tried to build that tower, even if it fell over. Perhaps we can try again?"

Perhaps you could give me an example?
I think ‘try’ is negative when we use it ourselves. Instead of committing to do something, we tell ourselves we will try. That way if we fail it doesn't matter so much. But committing holds ourselves to account. It's not that failing is a bad thing, but there is something positive in committing to do something or complete a task.
I think also as a kid we tell ourselves we are going to climb that wall or score a goal and we will try and try again until we have managed it, but we never started by using the phrase ‘I’m going to try and climb that wall’. We were determined.
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Cristina Corui Mihailescu »

Wow, how well you described my whole existence! These have been the words that shaped my character. I HAD to do...everything, there is little I CHOSE to do. Lately, even more since reading your book, I have stopped using the unfortunate words in the dialogues I have with my son or my students. Thank you, Scott!
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Catalina Isabel »

Jennifer Coxon wrote: June 18th, 2023, 9:20 am
Catalina Isabel wrote: June 18th, 2023, 4:18 am I totally agree with the fiest 5, Scott. Especially when in a relationship, always telling the other person what they should be doing is not going to help anyone and will drive people apart. Also, with negative self talk, as often these words may creep into our thoughts and create negative feelings.

I do wonder about "try" though and why this is negative? especially with kids for example, I think trying is a positive thing. E.g.: I may say to my young kids "wow that's great you tried to build that tower, even if it fell over. Perhaps we can try again?"

Perhaps you could give me an example?
I think ‘try’ is negative when we use it ourselves. Instead of committing to do something, we tell ourselves we will try. That way if we fail it doesn't matter so much. But committing holds ourselves to account. It's not that failing is a bad thing, but there is something positive in committing to do something or complete a task.
I think also as a kid we tell ourselves we are going to climb that wall or score a goal and we will try and try again until we have managed it, but we never started by using the phrase ‘I’m going to try and climb that wall’. We were determined.
HI Jennifer, thanks for explaining that. I do understand what you mean! Perhaps there are better words to use instead of "try". If I think back to myself, I usually say I "will" do something. I will also in fact write it down too so I don't forget.
If I say I am going to try, that usually means I won't bother.

With the kids though, i find it is harder to replace the word try. As an example, my 3 year old wanted help coloring in her book. I asked her to try herself first and then I could help if she wanted me to after she tried. She did this and found she in fact could colour inside the lines and did a great job.
I know this is a different scenario but wondering if I can re-frame my talk with my children to help them too? Or is the word "try" ok in this setting?
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes »

Catalina Isabel wrote: June 18th, 2023, 4:18 am I totally agree with the fiest 5, Scott. Especially when in a relationship, always telling the other person what they should be doing is not going to help anyone and will drive people apart. Also, with negative self talk, as often these words may creep into our thoughts and create negative feelings.

I do wonder about "try" though and why this is negative? especially with kids for example, I think trying is a positive thing. E.g.: I may say to my young kids "wow that's great you tried to build that tower, even if it fell over. Perhaps we can try again?"

Perhaps you could give me an example?
May I ask if you read my book, In It Together, yet?

I explain the issues with the word 'try' with several examples, particularly in the section titled, "Suggestion Two — Let go of trying. Accept the unchangeable.".
My entire political philosophy summed up in one tweet.

"The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master."

I believe spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) manifests as bravery, confidence, grace, honesty, love, and inner peace.
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Eckhart Aurelius Hughes
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes »

Catalina Isabel wrote: June 18th, 2023, 2:36 pm With the kids though, i find it is harder to replace the word try. As an example, my 3 year old wanted help coloring in her book. I asked her to try herself first and then I could help if she wanted me to after she tried.
My book, In It Together, gives a three word phrase starting with the word 'do' to use in place of 'try' for instances where one is referring to what the book calls 'synthetic trying', but granted that's more designed for one talking about oneself and one's own would-be so-called 'trying'.

For the more specific example you gave with your kids instead of saying "Try it yourself first, and then I can help if you still want me to help after you have already tried to do it on your own." Why not say something like:

"Do it yourself first, and then if you still want me to help, I will."

or...

"Please see if you are able to do it yourself without out my help, then if you find you cannot do it without my help, I will gladly help you."

?
My entire political philosophy summed up in one tweet.

"The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master."

I believe spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) manifests as bravery, confidence, grace, honesty, love, and inner peace.
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Catalina Isabel »

Eckhart Aurelius Hughes wrote: June 19th, 2023, 4:36 pm
Catalina Isabel wrote: June 18th, 2023, 2:36 pm With the kids though, i find it is harder to replace the word try. As an example, my 3 year old wanted help coloring in her book. I asked her to try herself first and then I could help if she wanted me to after she tried.
My book, In It Together, gives a three word phrase starting with the word 'do' to use in place of 'try' for instances where one is referring to what the book calls 'synthetic trying', but granted that's more designed for one talking about oneself and one's own would-be so-called 'trying'.

For the more specific example you gave with your kids instead of saying "Try it yourself first, and then I can help if you still want me to help after you have already tried to do it on your own." Why not say something like:

"Do it yourself first, and then if you still want me to help, I will."

or...

"Please see if you are able to do it yourself without out my help, then if you find you cannot do it without my help, I will gladly help you."

?
Thank you for explaining this in more detail, Scott. I am actually part way through your book, so I am looking forward to reading more this month. It is a concept I hadn't thought of too much before.

I really like your 2nd suggestion for the wording to use with my kids. I am very mindful of how I interact with them and framing things in a positive way for them to encourage growth and learning. My boy usually gave everything a go, but I am finding my girl needs more encouragement. I will change my wording and see how it goes.

As always, I appreciate your ideas, Scott!
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Akangbe Opeyemi »

The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", and "Try". I don't know if I am to agree with this or not. Sometimes I use these words to boost my confidence and sometimes it helps me stay true to my words.
I know I can be very difficult with doing things or even agreeing to them but when I use words like “must" it helps to remind me of keeping to my words.
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by jesse_voyamba »

Can't say otherwise. People who are use the word "must" in most cases act out of desperation. They believe in having things done their way. The unfortunate thing is that being around this people can be toxic because they exhibit some autocratic traits.
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Eckhart Aurelius Hughes »

Thank you all so much for you positive feedback! :D


To elaborate on the Original Post (OP), let me also add this:


Your brain is like a computer.

You can reprogram your mind. It's shockingly easy. It's like an AI figuring out how to edit its own code, creating a feedback loop of exponential self-empowerment. It's an empowering power so crazy it seems godly and supernatural, like magic.

If you change your words, you change your life.
My entire political philosophy summed up in one tweet.

"The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master."

I believe spiritual freedom (a.k.a. self-discipline) manifests as bravery, confidence, grace, honesty, love, and inner peace.
Chinazo Anozie
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Chinazo Anozie »

It's important to not limit yourself as a result of those words. Thank you for the reminder!
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Kutloano Makhuvhela »

Wow! I never thought of these words like that. I have always held on to 'try' out of all words in that list because I always believed that 'if you don't try, then you won't succeed.' But you have made your case and it would be wise to think it over.
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Re: The Six Dangerous Misery-Inducing Words: "Must", "Have to", "Need to", "Should", "Ought", "Try"

Post by Stephen Christopher 1 »

I had a mentor many years ago, and she always said, 'Don't "should" on yourself.' At other times, she'd say to me, "Woulda, shoulda, coulda, now shut up.' These were harsh statements at the time, and I took them to heart. But then I realized what she meant. Don't regret your decisions. Learn from them, and make better ones next time. Don't waste time self-guessing yourself, looking at the past, or wishing for different outcomes. When I hear myself use one of these words, I stop and think of her. Then I stop. The mind is a powerful tool, especially when used correctly.
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