In my anecdotal experience, 99% of the time someone says they cannot do something, they are lying to me and/or themselves. And it's a lie that causes them misery because it's more miserable to say, "I want to do X, but I can't"
, than to take self-responsibility and say, "I could choose to do X, but I am choosing not to do X, and when it comes to my choices, I always get exactly what I want, meaning what I choose." 
You cannot divorce the person you see in the mirror. You are married to your self, or selves (plural) as might be a more accurate way to say it.
Don't have a toxic relationship with that person.
And a non-negotiable fundamental requisite to having a healthy pleasant productive non-toxic relationship with the human you see in the mirror is to be honest.
Be totally honest and extremely assertive. Be honest and assertive with others, yes, but most importantly be honest and assertive with yourself.
Don't beat around the bush. Don't tell white lies. Don't leave it to implication.
If you are going to set a goal, set it. Write it down. Say it outloud. Be assertive.
And be honest about it. Don't say, "I want to stop drinking," while you lift a bottle to your mouth and take a sip of beer. Don't say, "I want to lose weight," as you lift a cookie to your mouth and take a bite.
Don't say, "I want to stop drinking, but I can't."
Don't say, "I want to lose weight, but I can't."
Don't say, "I want to do that scary thing, but I can't because I am afraid."
Don't say, "I want to be brave, but I can't."
Don't say, "I'm hungry, so I can't not eat."
Don't say, "I had a rough day, so I can't not drink."
Don't say, I am busy lately, so I can't take the time to workout in the gym.
Don't say, This toxic person is important in my life, so I can't set up a healthy boundary and cut them out.
There are some things you can't do, but usually it's just a miserable lie that you makes you miserable and increases the hellish spiritual slavery and spiritual imprisonment you feel.
To be a free spirit (a.k.a. a self-disciplined person), be honest, most importantly with yourself.
Freedom doesn't mean you necessarily have to do the thing you would otherwise lie and say you can't do. Instead, freedom and honesty could just mean happily admitting to yourself that you are choosing not to do the thing, if not with outright happiness at least with radical acceptance and inner peace.
If being honest means being brutal, then absolutely be brutally honesty.
Choosing to lie and deceive is not loving or kind.
Lying is often a form toxic enabling, and like toxic enabling in general it is neither loving nor kind despite often rationalizing itself as such.
If you can be honest without being brutal, go for it.
But never choose non-brutality over non-deception. Apparent or so-called brutality can often simply be a sign that you have given up toxic enabling and/or toxic passivity.
Be honest with those you love, most importantly yourself.
With love,
Eckhart Aurelius Hughes
a.k.a. Scott
- Honesty is a requisite to ending the abuse and having a healthy non-toxic relationship.
- If you can be honest without being brutal, then go for it. But never choose non-brutality over non-deception. Always be honest. Never lie. Lying is abuse.
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In addition to having authored his book, In It Together, Eckhart Aurelius Hughes (a.k.a. Scott) runs a mentoring program, with a free option, that guarantees success. Success is guaranteed for anyone who follows the program.
