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[Eckhart Aurelius Hughes]

Hi Scott,

I have been accused by my family members of being insensitive because I don't tell them what they want to hear or respond to them the way they want. For instance, a few nights ago my sister asked me if she should bath her baby with cold or hot water. I responded, "I don't know." She now asked, "If you were to bath her what would you do?" I told her I'd use a warm water. She picked offence that I had made her look like a fool for asking the first question. I deal with these kinds of situations with my family members. I love them and would want to have a peaceful co-existence with them. But they make me look like I'm insensitive. Do you have an advice on how to navigate this situation?

Hi, Bethel Saint Bright,

Great question!

I suspect a lot of the seeming troubles and struggles you are having with this situation will evaporate as sort of illusions if you focus on the following phrase from your question: "make me look".

You say that they make you look like you are XYZ, where XYZ is presumably something you don't want to be.

My first question would be this: Look like to whom?

To whom?

Is there someone else watching you two interact?

Are you on a reality TV show?

Who's opinion of you are so concerned about in this situation?

Does that person's opinion of you matter more to you than your own opinion of you?

If you had to choose only between the following two things, which would you prefer and choose:

(1) the other person think you are an insensitive jerk but you aren't actually insensitive nor a jerk, but rather a good guy

(2) the other person thinks you are sensitive and nice, but you are actually an insensitive jerk who has tricked them into thinking you are nice


In other words, if you can't both have and seem like you have the desirable trait, would you rather (1) really have it while seeming like you don't or (2) merely seem like you have it but not actually have it?

I can't answer for you but for me I'd rather be kind than seem kind. I'd rather be honest than seem honest. I'd rather be smart than seem smart. I'd rather be nice than seem nice.


Since you've used the word "make", it means the thing you are talking about is in the other person's control.

Sometimes you can control your own reputation, which might be nice if it's a super important priority for you to seem like you have these desirable traits from the perspective of others (i.e. if their view of you is of big importance to you).

However, in this case, according to the information you have given me, you don't control your reputation in regard to whoever's view of you this question was asked. Your family member is the one is in control of how you seem to the viewer, whoever that is. They are the one who makes you seem a certain way to the unnamed viewer that you are seeming that way to.

It's in their control, not yours.

So on that, I think you already know my advice: Don't worry about what you can't control. Don't try to control what you can't control. Don't hate or resent unchangable aspects of reality for being the way they unchangeably. When it comes to what you cannot control and thus cannot change about reality, just say, it is what it is.

If your sister chooses to make you look a certain way to some third-party observer and that's all within her control not yours, then just let it be, like you would the rain if it started raining. Don't fight to change the rain. Don't resent the rain for raining. Don't try to change the weather despite knowing you can't.

If you can't control it, just accept it. Accept it with an acceptance so full and unconditional it warrants the word love.

In other words, love it.

Love the rain. See it as beautiful in its own way.

Love your sister's silly misrepresentation of you to some unnamed third-party and their silly view of you as being someone and something you aren't. See the workings of their silly human minds as beautiful. All human minds are silly and beautiful, in my opinion.

There is deep, infinite universe inside each living human skull, whose view of the allegedly outer world is so different and factually incompatible with any other of the countless universes. And that's beautiful. It's such a wonderful creative diversity.

Sometimes I walk at night, and I cannot see in the windows of the houses pass, but I just love to think about how through each one their is whole unique world going on of unfathomable depths with its own protagonists.

The same goes as I glance at the eyes of strangers passing by on the streets or shipping malls or doctors' offices. The eyes are the windows of the soul. Even though you can barely make out the slightest bit of the infinite depths behind those windows, even just that faint glance at the faint tip of those depths is truly amazing and awesome in the sense of literally stunning you with awe, like standing on a beach looking out at the horizon of the seemingly infinite sea of which you are only seeing the slight surface and edge. Even seeing the tip of its shadow lets you bask in a sort of stunned awareness of the beautiful infinite depths of it.



With love,
Eckhart Aurelius Hughes