I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

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Kathyd
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Kathyd » January 3rd, 2018, 1:40 pm

Sorry I haven't responded in awhile, but I was out of town for the new year. Again, thx for all the responses and the various points of view. I do see where everyone is coming from as far as Dan's intentions are concerned, but I think that's because I didn't really explain our history.

Dan and I were best friends in high school for years before I started dating my husband. We were really close because of the circumstances. We were both new at the school and had trouble fitting in. But we lived close to each other and so we managed to help each other "survive" as virtual outcasts until we found some friends of our own. We both had social anxiety issues and so we leaned on each other for support and became really close. Eventually, we both got on the debate team and eventually some of our debates got a little "heated". We even dated for awhile and fooled around, but never actually had sex. We did experiment quite a bit, but we never actually had sexual intercourse. Soon afterwards we both realized that we were not compatible physically and so we reverted to being friends. Not long after that I met my husband and fell in love and the rest is history.

About a year ago I reconnected with Dan through FB. We started hanging out with some of my other friends and since we both have worked in the modeling industry, we had lots to talk about. I was trying to get back into modeling but was having trouble finding a good photographer I could trust to help me with my portfolio and my posing, so he offered to help. He's worked as a freelance photographer for years and really knows the industry and has gotten a lot of his work published. I was glad, not only because he had connections, but also because I've always felt uncomfortable working with photographers I don't know. There's just something really unnerving about having some stranger taking pictures of you in a skimpy bikini or lingerie (which is why most of them are gay), and I felt much more comfortable having a close friend do it, particularly an ex-bf who had already seen me naked before (albeit years ago).

In retrospect, I now realize my husband was a bit jealous even then, just because it was a "friend" who was going to be my new photographer. I had done lots of modeling before this, including swimwear and lingerie, and he had never gotten jealous, I guess because it was always a "professional" studio doing them. But since this time it was just a freelancer who was a "friend", I guess it made him suspicious. I remember he asked lots of questions, which made me defensive and so I admit I didn't give him any details then about Dan, which of course I should have. I just told him it was a platonic friend. Then the "issue" seemed to go away until a few weeks ago when he started asking lots of questions again. Somehow he knew it was Dan who was my photographer and he wanted to know more about him. His questioning was very aggressive, it was a side of him I hadn't really seen before. I got the impression he was getting jealous because of how 'sexy' some of the outfits were, so I went ahead and told him a little bit about my history with Dan so he wouldn't worry. I didn't feel comfortable telling him everything because of his aggressiveness, but I at least explained that we were old friends from high school, and that our relationship was strictly professional and platonic and that he didn't have anything to worry about because I could never think of Dan sexually, that he was more like a 'brother' or 'family' than anything else. Plus, Dan is in a relationship anyways, so he is not available.

At any rate, I'm confident that Dan is not an 'orbiter' and I honestly do not question his motives. Because obviously, given the kind of photo shoots we're doing there have been numerous "opportunities" for him to try something, but he has always acted professionally and has not once succumbed to temptation. And that says a lot because I have had so called "professional" photographers hit on me before. I honestly think the problem is just that my husband is atypically jealous for some reason, perhaps because I was defensive at giving out information in the beginning due to his aggressiveness, which then made it look like I might have something to hide, when in fact I have nothing whatsoever to hide.

So yes, I understand that 'honesty is the best policy' and I probably should have told him all about Dan from the beginning. But now that he's gotten really jealous and suspicious of him I'm afraid to tell him everything at this point. I just don't see how that would help things at this time. He would only worry even more, imho. I was hoping I could wait until after things settled down a bit, and then at some point down the road I will tell him everything about me and Dan. But right now just seems like a terrible time to throw everything out there. Don't ya think???

Anyways, I've taken Present Awareness's advice and begun looking into tracking my husband. I'm now certain, based on things my husband has said, that he broke into my phone and that he has a neighbor watching the house while he's at work to keep a tab on who comes over. However, I would like to get solid evidence of this before I confront him, just in case he tries to deny everything.

What would be the proper way to confront him about this once I have the evidence? I mean, should I be diplomatic or do you think that snooping like this warrants a more 'vigorous' response? All I know is that it really upsets me that he would distrust me to the point of tracking and snooping on me like this. I mean, come on, hacking into a cell phone and having neighbors spying is not only unacceptable in a relationship, it's also just incredibly juvenile and immature.

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Atreyu
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Atreyu » January 3rd, 2018, 2:11 pm

Wow, you have to be joking! So you let a "friend" of yours, actually an ex-bf, help you with your portfolio, including some "sexy" (your words) ones of you in lingerie or swimwear, and originally you refused to tell your own husband anything about this guy! Then, because he's getting even more jealous, you decide to tell him some more, but still not that he's actually an ex-boyfriend! Really?! Yes, we all understand why you don't want to tell him now, after already basically lying, or at least misleading, your husband for so long. Yes, it's going to be bad. But at this point you have to just do it, and take the pain, and hope that it works out, like Lucky said. The longer you don't tell your husband the worse it will be, and the worse you will look, when you finally do tell him. And my bet is that you never actually will. You'll just continue justifying not being truthful, just like you are right now. Now will never be the right time to tell him. It will be easier to keep it swept under the rug forever.

Plus, are you serious in wondering why your husband would be jealous, or why he might resort to snooping or having the neighbor watch over the house?! :roll: Any man would be jealous in such a situation. Any man. Just ask any guy here. So a husband should not be jealous and should just trust his wife with hanging out and doing photo shoots with some unknown guy, some of which are "sexy"? And after his wife refuses to tell him anything but he's a "friend" and you have to snoop to even find out the name of the guy? Shady! Any man would be suspicious in such a situation and dare I say most would not put up with it. I know I wouldn't.

Plus, I noticed you haven't answered my question, which tells me a lot about your position. Why don't you try honestly answering it?

Again, would you be okay if your husband had a ex girl friend this close to him? One that comes over all the time while you're at work, who does photo shoots of him scantily clad, and who he "experimented" with before the two of you got together, even if they never had sex?

Think about it...

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Kathyd
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Kathyd » January 3rd, 2018, 3:14 pm

Atreyu, I can appreciate what you're saying, but to be honest I don't think you understand the modelling industry. A complete portfolio includes all the types of modeling you are interested in doing, and you have to practice posing in a wide range of styles and outfits. That's just how its done. All photographers and models do that, it's just part of the job. Being jealous of your spouse's photographer would be like being jealous of your spouse's doctor or nurse. Dan has photographed lots of models, many of them nude. It's no big deal. And while I'm a Christian and don't believe in nude or 'erotic' or 'pornographic' modelling, I certainly have no problem with 'sexy' or 'feminine', and the truth is that swimwear and lingerie modelling pays the most because most models don't have the body for it. So if you do, then it makes sense to do it. For my husband to be jealous of this would be like me being jealous that the doctor who examined his prostrate was an ex-gf from his remote past. It would be ridiculous.

So yeah, it might bother me a bit, but I would be very understanding if my husband was a model and the photographer was an old girl friend from high school, even if he was modelling jock straps, lol. I mean, sure, I might get a little jealous, but I would never break into his phone or snoop on him or confront him. I'd understand that it was professional and just a job for both of them, especially if she was in a relationship. If she wasn't in a relationship, then I might get more jealous.

I'm just hoping for a mutual understanding where we both accept that both of us might have baggage from previous relationships and that we can accommodate instead of cutting people out of our lives.

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Atreyu
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Atreyu » January 3rd, 2018, 3:22 pm

You already admitted that Dan's relationship was probably a 'fwb' relationship. That's not a real relationship, and you know it.

Would you be ok with it if the ex-gf was only in a 'fwb' relationship with someone else? That would make it ok? Because you already said if not, you would get 'more jealous'.

Littlemoon
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Littlemoon » January 3rd, 2018, 3:26 pm

Doesn't matter if its moddeling or not. If temptation is there... You may not want that but a person when faced with temptation normally falls for it and you can't really blame him for being that suspicious. Besides, if you are a model, wearing sexy clothes, and having a good body... I mean, girls are as much guilty as men when it comes down to temptation. And being an ex-bf makes it even worse.

The thing that made him snoop in your phone is because he really felt something fishy was going on, and you didn't help by keeping half the story hidden. I'd be suspicious too if my guy was having this behavior! I can trust my partner with my life... But I just don't trust others. I don't know what their intentions are. And tbh Dan being in a relationship and you being in one too doesn't make it possible. It seems to spice it more because its the forbidden fruit.

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Kathyd
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Kathyd » January 3rd, 2018, 3:27 pm

OK, fine. Yes, I admit I would be jealous if I was in my husband's shoes. Maybe even really jealous. But that doesn't mean that I'd snoop on him or not trust him. In the absence of any evidence to the contrary, I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

Littlemoon
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Littlemoon » January 3rd, 2018, 3:32 pm

Jealousy makes one act irrational. I certainly wouldn't like to be cheated on and I certainly dont tolerate anyone trying to make me the fool.

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Atreyu
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Atreyu » January 3rd, 2018, 3:33 pm

So you admit that you would have an issue if you were placed in your husband's position, so the next question is: What are you going to do about it?

Another interesting question: Would you be comfortable with all 3 of you hanging out together? Because if not, there is clearly more going on between you and Dan than you're being honest about. I find it interesting that after a year you didn't even mention Dan to your husband at all.

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Kathyd
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Kathyd » January 3rd, 2018, 3:42 pm

Again, yes I would be jealous if I was in my husband's shoes, but I've already tried doing something about it. As I said, we've basically been spending a lot of time together now and I've cut down on time with my guy friend.

Regarding them meeting, I haven't really thought about it because they rarely cross paths due to our schedules. Most of the time my friend comes over during the day while my husband is at work.

However, I think that might be a good idea. Perhaps if we got together with Dan and his gf, maybe go out like a double date, my husband would then see that he has nothing to worry about?

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Atreyu
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Atreyu » January 3rd, 2018, 3:47 pm

So that's what you've done about it? 'Cut back' on the amount of time you spend with another man alone? Awesome. Obviously your husband's concerns are baseless.

Let me ask you this: after 'cutting back', how often do you still see him?

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Kathyd
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Kathyd » January 3rd, 2018, 3:53 pm

Well, I've really cut back. He only comes over like 2-3 times a week now, and most of the time it's just to do a shoot. We only 'hang out' occasionally nowadays.

Littlemoon
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Littlemoon » January 3rd, 2018, 7:09 pm

That isn't really cutting back. 2-3 times a week is still a lot. That's what I would think of my partner was doing that anywah

Ecurb
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Ecurb » January 3rd, 2018, 7:40 pm

Ignore the "slum prudery" (as Henry Higgins would call it) of Atreyu and Littlemoon. Littlemoon says, "Jealousy makes one act irrational. I certainly wouldn't like to be cheated on and I certainly dont tolerate anyone trying to make me the fool."

Jealousy doesn't "make" anyone act irrationally. We are free agents and can choose to act kindly and rationally, or unkindly and irrationally. Othello had only himself to blame for murdering Desdemona. He was not "made" to do it.

Littlemoon continues: "Doesn't matter if its modeling or not. If temptation is there..." Littlemoon appears to be channeling Mike Pence, our born again Vice President who won't have a meal in the sole company of a woman because, well, he must think he's not quite up to dealing with the temptation. Huh? Haven't we moved beyond the segregation of the sexes in the workplace?

Atreyu isn't much better. He is SHOCKED! (SHOCKED!) that you "let a "friend" of yours, actually an ex-bf, help you with your portfolio, including some "sexy" (your words) ones of you in lingerie or swimwear, and originally you refused to tell your own husband anything about this guy!" Good grief! Burkhas and Harems for all! We poor men are unable to control the hideous temptations caused by scantily clad women!

Your husband sound like a whacko. Snooping on the phone is bad, but understandable. Having the house watched? This guy sounds dangerous. Get out (to quote the title of a movie that may win the Academy Award). Sexual infidelity is a minor sin compared to spying on one's wife. If professional interaction with members of the opposite sex involves unendurable temptation, what kind o temptation leads someone to hire the neighbors to spy on his wife? The neighbors must now think your husband is either insane or a controlling jerk That can't be good for neighborhood relations.

You are not your husband's property. He has no right to tell you what you can do, with whom you can interact, and where you can go. Good luck.

Littlemoon
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Littlemoon » January 3rd, 2018, 8:42 pm

Are you seriously that naive? How can you even compare a dinner of Mike pense and a photo shoot which was described as her wearing sexy clothes (her words not mine)?

I'm sure you would be then fine with your wife working sideline with her ex. Because you are very rational to filter that. The rest of us are just irrational monkeys that can't control ourselves.

Have you any insight of how human psychology works in these matters?

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Atreyu
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Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!

Post by Atreyu » January 3rd, 2018, 9:28 pm

Yeah, OK Ecurb, you're right. It's totally unreasonable for her husband to be suspicious of some guy he's never met, and of whom his wife has never disclosed their intimate past with, coming over to his house and taking pictures of his wife, some of which include bikinis and even lingerie. Yes, burkas and harems for all indeed. Get real, man. I'm sure you'd have no problem with your wife doing this behind your back (her husband wouldn't even know what was going on if he didn't snoop on her).

But, of course let's not forget that she is at least willing to compromise on this. She's been nice enough to "cut back" on her time with this guy, so that now he's only coming over "2-3 times a week". Awesome. Instead of what - every day? Yeah, she obviously values her marriage with her husband.

And now she says she will tell him about her past with Dan "down the road". How convenient. So she will continue to deceive him about this guy as long as she needs to, and then, once it doesn't matter anymore, maybe she'll tell him. Wow. Not to mention that she is also being very dishonest in telling her husband that this guy is in a "relationship", while also admitting it's probably a "fwb" relationship. Good one. A fwb is not a real relationship, and I think everyone here, including Kathy, knows that. So she's basically lying to her husband, and misleading him intentionally, just so she can continue to do what she wants with Dan.

I can only assume you're young, and single....

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