Re: I need advice, please. My husband is jealous of my best guy friend and he’s been snooping and spying on me!
Posted: January 3rd, 2018, 1:40 pm
Sorry I haven't responded in awhile, but I was out of town for the new year. Again, thx for all the responses and the various points of view. I do see where everyone is coming from as far as Dan's intentions are concerned, but I think that's because I didn't really explain our history.
Dan and I were best friends in high school for years before I started dating my husband. We were really close because of the circumstances. We were both new at the school and had trouble fitting in. But we lived close to each other and so we managed to help each other "survive" as virtual outcasts until we found some friends of our own. We both had social anxiety issues and so we leaned on each other for support and became really close. Eventually, we both got on the debate team and eventually some of our debates got a little "heated". We even dated for awhile and fooled around, but never actually had sex. We did experiment quite a bit, but we never actually had sexual intercourse. Soon afterwards we both realized that we were not compatible physically and so we reverted to being friends. Not long after that I met my husband and fell in love and the rest is history.
About a year ago I reconnected with Dan through FB. We started hanging out with some of my other friends and since we both have worked in the modeling industry, we had lots to talk about. I was trying to get back into modeling but was having trouble finding a good photographer I could trust to help me with my portfolio and my posing, so he offered to help. He's worked as a freelance photographer for years and really knows the industry and has gotten a lot of his work published. I was glad, not only because he had connections, but also because I've always felt uncomfortable working with photographers I don't know. There's just something really unnerving about having some stranger taking pictures of you in a skimpy bikini or lingerie (which is why most of them are gay), and I felt much more comfortable having a close friend do it, particularly an ex-bf who had already seen me naked before (albeit years ago).
In retrospect, I now realize my husband was a bit jealous even then, just because it was a "friend" who was going to be my new photographer. I had done lots of modeling before this, including swimwear and lingerie, and he had never gotten jealous, I guess because it was always a "professional" studio doing them. But since this time it was just a freelancer who was a "friend", I guess it made him suspicious. I remember he asked lots of questions, which made me defensive and so I admit I didn't give him any details then about Dan, which of course I should have. I just told him it was a platonic friend. Then the "issue" seemed to go away until a few weeks ago when he started asking lots of questions again. Somehow he knew it was Dan who was my photographer and he wanted to know more about him. His questioning was very aggressive, it was a side of him I hadn't really seen before. I got the impression he was getting jealous because of how 'sexy' some of the outfits were, so I went ahead and told him a little bit about my history with Dan so he wouldn't worry. I didn't feel comfortable telling him everything because of his aggressiveness, but I at least explained that we were old friends from high school, and that our relationship was strictly professional and platonic and that he didn't have anything to worry about because I could never think of Dan sexually, that he was more like a 'brother' or 'family' than anything else. Plus, Dan is in a relationship anyways, so he is not available.
At any rate, I'm confident that Dan is not an 'orbiter' and I honestly do not question his motives. Because obviously, given the kind of photo shoots we're doing there have been numerous "opportunities" for him to try something, but he has always acted professionally and has not once succumbed to temptation. And that says a lot because I have had so called "professional" photographers hit on me before. I honestly think the problem is just that my husband is atypically jealous for some reason, perhaps because I was defensive at giving out information in the beginning due to his aggressiveness, which then made it look like I might have something to hide, when in fact I have nothing whatsoever to hide.
So yes, I understand that 'honesty is the best policy' and I probably should have told him all about Dan from the beginning. But now that he's gotten really jealous and suspicious of him I'm afraid to tell him everything at this point. I just don't see how that would help things at this time. He would only worry even more, imho. I was hoping I could wait until after things settled down a bit, and then at some point down the road I will tell him everything about me and Dan. But right now just seems like a terrible time to throw everything out there. Don't ya think???
Anyways, I've taken Present Awareness's advice and begun looking into tracking my husband. I'm now certain, based on things my husband has said, that he broke into my phone and that he has a neighbor watching the house while he's at work to keep a tab on who comes over. However, I would like to get solid evidence of this before I confront him, just in case he tries to deny everything.
What would be the proper way to confront him about this once I have the evidence? I mean, should I be diplomatic or do you think that snooping like this warrants a more 'vigorous' response? All I know is that it really upsets me that he would distrust me to the point of tracking and snooping on me like this. I mean, come on, hacking into a cell phone and having neighbors spying is not only unacceptable in a relationship, it's also just incredibly juvenile and immature.
Dan and I were best friends in high school for years before I started dating my husband. We were really close because of the circumstances. We were both new at the school and had trouble fitting in. But we lived close to each other and so we managed to help each other "survive" as virtual outcasts until we found some friends of our own. We both had social anxiety issues and so we leaned on each other for support and became really close. Eventually, we both got on the debate team and eventually some of our debates got a little "heated". We even dated for awhile and fooled around, but never actually had sex. We did experiment quite a bit, but we never actually had sexual intercourse. Soon afterwards we both realized that we were not compatible physically and so we reverted to being friends. Not long after that I met my husband and fell in love and the rest is history.
About a year ago I reconnected with Dan through FB. We started hanging out with some of my other friends and since we both have worked in the modeling industry, we had lots to talk about. I was trying to get back into modeling but was having trouble finding a good photographer I could trust to help me with my portfolio and my posing, so he offered to help. He's worked as a freelance photographer for years and really knows the industry and has gotten a lot of his work published. I was glad, not only because he had connections, but also because I've always felt uncomfortable working with photographers I don't know. There's just something really unnerving about having some stranger taking pictures of you in a skimpy bikini or lingerie (which is why most of them are gay), and I felt much more comfortable having a close friend do it, particularly an ex-bf who had already seen me naked before (albeit years ago).
In retrospect, I now realize my husband was a bit jealous even then, just because it was a "friend" who was going to be my new photographer. I had done lots of modeling before this, including swimwear and lingerie, and he had never gotten jealous, I guess because it was always a "professional" studio doing them. But since this time it was just a freelancer who was a "friend", I guess it made him suspicious. I remember he asked lots of questions, which made me defensive and so I admit I didn't give him any details then about Dan, which of course I should have. I just told him it was a platonic friend. Then the "issue" seemed to go away until a few weeks ago when he started asking lots of questions again. Somehow he knew it was Dan who was my photographer and he wanted to know more about him. His questioning was very aggressive, it was a side of him I hadn't really seen before. I got the impression he was getting jealous because of how 'sexy' some of the outfits were, so I went ahead and told him a little bit about my history with Dan so he wouldn't worry. I didn't feel comfortable telling him everything because of his aggressiveness, but I at least explained that we were old friends from high school, and that our relationship was strictly professional and platonic and that he didn't have anything to worry about because I could never think of Dan sexually, that he was more like a 'brother' or 'family' than anything else. Plus, Dan is in a relationship anyways, so he is not available.
At any rate, I'm confident that Dan is not an 'orbiter' and I honestly do not question his motives. Because obviously, given the kind of photo shoots we're doing there have been numerous "opportunities" for him to try something, but he has always acted professionally and has not once succumbed to temptation. And that says a lot because I have had so called "professional" photographers hit on me before. I honestly think the problem is just that my husband is atypically jealous for some reason, perhaps because I was defensive at giving out information in the beginning due to his aggressiveness, which then made it look like I might have something to hide, when in fact I have nothing whatsoever to hide.
So yes, I understand that 'honesty is the best policy' and I probably should have told him all about Dan from the beginning. But now that he's gotten really jealous and suspicious of him I'm afraid to tell him everything at this point. I just don't see how that would help things at this time. He would only worry even more, imho. I was hoping I could wait until after things settled down a bit, and then at some point down the road I will tell him everything about me and Dan. But right now just seems like a terrible time to throw everything out there. Don't ya think???
Anyways, I've taken Present Awareness's advice and begun looking into tracking my husband. I'm now certain, based on things my husband has said, that he broke into my phone and that he has a neighbor watching the house while he's at work to keep a tab on who comes over. However, I would like to get solid evidence of this before I confront him, just in case he tries to deny everything.
What would be the proper way to confront him about this once I have the evidence? I mean, should I be diplomatic or do you think that snooping like this warrants a more 'vigorous' response? All I know is that it really upsets me that he would distrust me to the point of tracking and snooping on me like this. I mean, come on, hacking into a cell phone and having neighbors spying is not only unacceptable in a relationship, it's also just incredibly juvenile and immature.