I really appreciate everyone's honest input, but some of the comments here are simply not apropos. Tbh, some of them seem to be based on a false interpretation of my situation, or a complete ignorance of the modelling industry (Atreyu), while others seem to just be vindictive and judgemental.
I can assure you that I don't "get off" making my husband jealous, nor would I ever intentionally make him jealous anyways. I love my husband and would never do anything to hurt him. The truth is that I can't stand it when he gets jealous, and I'm seriously put off by his controlling behavior and his spying on me. I hate it.
In fact, that's why I posted here in the first place.
Atreyu, Dan and I are not 'testing the waters'. Already been there. We experimented a bit in college at being more than friends, but both of us decided that we were not compatible in that area, so we reverted to being friends again. The reason I agreed to work with him is because I'd feel more comfortable working with a friend than a complete stranger (as would any model), and for you not to appreciate this tells me that you know nothing about how this industry works.
Just try to imagine modelling swimwear or lingerie as a woman and perhaps you'll see what I mean. You're standing there practically naked while a bunch of strangers, both men and women, make comments about your body like you're some kind of material object. Then, as you're posing, the photographer is making all sorts of explicit comments to help you 'work it', including directly commenting on specific body parts, both good and bad. It makes most models feel very uncomfortable, which is why most photographers are gay. In fact, all models I know would rather work with a friend or a gay guy, but the problem is that it's common for photographers to lie about their sexual orientation just to get work and make the model feel at ease, so you never know. I've had at least 2 photographers tell me they were gay, only to find out later that they had girlfriends.
Many models, including myself, even feel like sexual harassment is almost a rule when working with straight photographers (after all, "sexual harassment" is nothing more than unwanted behavior of a sexual nature which makes you feel uncomfortable). Just imagine standing in front of a guy you don't know in a thong bikini or lace panties while he makes suggestive comments about your body over and over. Any girl would feel harassed, and the only reason they get away with it is because to complain would get you blackballed for life. It's also common for them to get aroused during the shoot, something that has always made me feel extremely uncomfortable, but which you have to pretend not to notice in order to avoid an embarrassing situation. It's very common for them to get erections, and I've even seen some photographers so aroused that their breathing seemed erratic and their arms and hands were trembling so bad that they couldn't hold the camera steady. Many of them even ask for a 'break' or 'time out' to regain their composure. Plus, you always have to wonder if they are going to use the pictures for... um... 'personal' use.
It's just a really bad situation all around for all the parties involved, so gay photographers are the norm. However, only a friend would take extra time to help with posing.
At any rate, that is why me and Dan are working together. We're not 'testing' anything. It's just that I feel more comfortable working with a friend rather than a strange man I don't know. I don't feel uncomfortable in front of him because I know
he's not interested in me like that, plus he's already seen me naked (albeit long ago). And when he gets aroused I actually find it funny and I tease him about it, rather than feeling awkward and embarrassed about it, like I would with some creepy stranger.
Now, from hearing all my own experiences, not only does my husband know how uncomfortable it is for a model to work with a stranger, but he also feels uncomfortable with it as well, so we discussed it and we both
agreed that it would be better (and cheaper) for a friend to help me get back in the business, rather than an established studio. I never told him about Dan or our history at the time because I didn't think it was relevant, plus I didn't want to open a can of worms. I don't even think of Dan as an "ex bf" anyways, I think of him as an old friend who I happened to have "fooled around" with a bit in college, not because there was anything there relationship-wise, but simply because when you're young that''s what often happens between friends. It meant nothing, and in fact was how Dan and I came to realize that we both preferred each other as friends rather than lovers.
Anyways, we had a firm understanding on this, and it wasn't until about a month ago that my husband started asking lots of pointed questions about Dan, seemingly out of the blue. I couldn't understand his change in behavior, but on thinking about it I realized that right before he started complaining he had access to my phone. I had left it at home one day, something I almost never do, and I think he hacked into it, which is how he found out who Dan was. I also remember that right before all this he had begun complaining about my having friends over the house all the time while he was at work, which made me suspect he was monitoring the house somehow (which I later verified, as our neighbor admitted to me that he asked him to keep tabs on who all was coming over and when).
Now, I agree that "honesty is the best policy", at least generally speaking, but like Lucky said, I also value my relationship with my husband, and I feel like telling him everything about me and Dan at this particular time would be a mistake. For some reason he's become suspicious of Dan and in light of this I think telling him everything now would be too much. I just don't see how it would bring him any peace of mind, and in fact I think it would be counterproductive and would only make him more suspicious. So in good faith I've decided to wait until a later time to tell him my entire history with Dan. I'm not trying to be dishonest or deceive him, I just think that in matters such as this timing is everything
However, I have decided to confront him about his snooping, and to press him on why he's acting so jealous for no apparent reason. Because I see no reason for it and I feel that there must be something he's not telling me, otherwise it just doesn't make sense that everything was fine for about 6 months and then all of a sudden he wants to know everything about him (he even wants to know his SS# and other personal info so he can investigate his background!).
Ecurb, you seem to understand my position best, so let me ask you - how should I approach this? I know you agree with me that he has no right to snoop, but knowing my husband's temperament I don't want to come off in a confrontational way. As a man, what would you want to hear from a wife/gf in this situation, in order for you to feel comfortable with it? My current analysis is that for some reason my husband has begun thinking of Dan as some kind of "threat", even tho I know for certain he could have no good reason to think such a thing because it's completely without any foundation whatsoever.