Funny curses

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Robert66
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Funny curses

Post by Robert66 »

I propose, just for fun, a thread where the following could be shared :
- funny or inventive curses, without swear words. A common example in Australia used to be "stone the flamin' crows" to express astonishment. Someone a bit daft or stupid might have "a few sheep lost in the top paddock", or their "elevator didn't reach the top floor". Someone really thick could be said to have "a brain as smooth as a billiard ball" - I think Vonnegut may have written that one.
- analogies eg "as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle "
- any non-swearing curses (eg drongo, gonk etc).

Any takers, or are you all as useless as **** on a bull?
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Robert66
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Robert66 »

Didn't realise **** was a swear word - whoops
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LuckyR
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Re: Funny curses

Post by LuckyR »

I have heard and read many, many examples, but the one I actually use is: he's as smart as a bucket of bolts. It just sounds good to my ear when said aloud.
"As usual... it depends."
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Robert66
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Robert66 »

LuckyR wrote: May 19th, 2021, 1:20 am I have heard and read many, many examples, but the one I actually use is: he's as smart as a bucket of bolts. It just sounds good to my ear when said aloud.
Thanks LuckyR, the more I think about that one, the more I like it. I can see how it applies philosophically. If someone were to invent an absurd scenario in order to advance an argument (like some variation of the Trolley Problem), but in doing so they ignored many real world contingencies, they would be like an argumentative bolt without a nut. A "no-nut job", so to speak.
Steve3007
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Steve3007 »

In Australia do they still call people a "flamin galah"? Or was that just Alf Stewart from Home and Away? As I recall, he also used to say "Hogan's Ghost!" as a general exclamation of surprise.

My grandad used to say "Well! I'll go to the foot of our stairs!" or "I'll go to our house!" for the same purpose. There may also have been other places inside the house he declared his intention to visit as way of indicating surprise. I can't remember.

My nan often used to say "you daft 'apeth" to tell someone they were being stupid. "Apeth" being short for "half penny worth". For most of my childhood I didn't realize that and thought it was just a way of calling me an ape. A bit like "you cheeky monkey".
Steve3007
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Steve3007 »

Some more that spring to mind:

If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off.

As much use as a chocolate teapot/oven-glove.

A couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
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Sculptor1
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Sculptor1 »

As much use as a chocolate Fireguard
Camp as a row of tents = very gay.
Camp as Christmas = very gay
Spanner short of a toolbox = stupid
Bent as a nine-bob note = crooked (There were ten bob (shilling) notes)
Three'apence short of a shilling = stupid.
You cannot polish a turd = beyond repair.
Scum Shovel = Bus to Whitehawk (insert any estate with bad rep).
Not firing on all cylinders - stupid.


Of interest for the old stuff is Grouses Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue 1811

It's available on Gutenberg and Kindle for free.
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Sculptor1
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Sculptor1 »

Mad as a box of frogs
Crazy as bag of ferrets
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Sculptor1
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Sculptor1 »

Of further interest....

Rodger's Profanisaurus, which cums in a bewildering number of editions including Daz Krapital, War and Piss, Hail Sweary, Magna Farta,
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Sculptor1
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Sculptor1 »

Form Grose's Dictionary an early entry which I love is..

ACCOUNTS. To cast up one's accounts; to vomit.

How about this one?

BACK GAMMON PLAYER. A sodomite.
:lol:
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Robert66
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Robert66 »

Steve3007 wrote: May 21st, 2021, 7:04 am In Australia do they still call people a "flamin galah"? Or was that just Alf Stewart from Home and Away? As I recall, he also used to say "Hogan's Ghost!" as a general exclamation of surprise.

My grandad used to say "Well! I'll go to the foot of our stairs!" or "I'll go to our house!" for the same purpose. There may also have been other places inside the house he declared his intention to visit as way of indicating surprise. I can't remember.

My nan often used to say "you daft 'apeth" to tell someone they were being stupid. "Apeth" being short for "half penny worth". For most of my childhood I didn't realize that and thought it was just a way of calling me an ape. A bit like "you cheeky monkey".
I still say "flamin' Galah" sometimes, then catch myself wondering if it is really appropriate, since I love Galahs. Here's a very Australian anecdote: I was having lunch at work one day, with a bunch of Galahs nearby on the lawn. One was coming very close, so I gave it a big chunk of my Vegemite sandwich (I kid you not). Well it held that sandwich so carefully in one claw, standing there a metre away, ate every scrap of butter and Vegemite out from inside, then nonchalantly tossed the bread away. The look it gave me managed somehow to convey thanks for the salt and fat, but disdain for the cheap bread, as if to say "do I look like a flamin' Pigeon"?

I'm not familiar with "Hogan's ghost", but then I never watched Home and Away - to be frank I am surprised anyone did. Your Nan must have called you a "daft 'apeth" for that, and I wouldn't be surprised if your Grandad went under the stairs to get away from it.
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Robert66
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Robert66 »

Steve3007 wrote: May 21st, 2021, 7:16 am Some more that spring to mind:

If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your hat off.

As much use as a chocolate teapot/oven-glove.

A couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.
Or - "If brains were dynamite he wouldn't have enough to part his hair".

I love the chocolate teapot - I will remember that one.
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Robert66
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Robert66 »

Sculptor1 wrote: May 21st, 2021, 7:28 am As much use as a chocolate Fireguard
Camp as a row of tents = very gay.
Camp as Christmas = very gay
Spanner short of a toolbox = stupid
Bent as a nine-bob note = crooked (There were ten bob (shilling) notes)
Three'apence short of a shilling = stupid.
You cannot polish a turd = beyond repair.
Scum Shovel = Bus to Whitehawk (insert any estate with bad rep).
Not firing on all cylinders - stupid.


Of interest for the old stuff is Grouses Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue 1811

It's available on Gutenberg and Kindle for free.
Thanks for the references Sculptor1.

I have heard "Bent as a nine-bob note" here in Aus - some expressions are so good they travel that far. And "bob" translated, post-1966, into decimal currency to mean 10 cents. I went to school with a Robert Roberts (btw there must be a word for parents who would name their child thus) - we called him Two Bob of course. And he was a spanner short. Also a good bloke.

Haven't heard of Whitehawk, but would catching the bus there be worse than being sent to Coventry?
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Sculptor1
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Sculptor1 »

Robert66 wrote: May 21st, 2021, 3:16 pm
Sculptor1 wrote: May 21st, 2021, 7:28 am As much use as a chocolate Fireguard
Camp as a row of tents = very gay.
Camp as Christmas = very gay
Spanner short of a toolbox = stupid
Bent as a nine-bob note = crooked (There were ten bob (shilling) notes)
Three'apence short of a shilling = stupid.
You cannot polish a turd = beyond repair.
Scum Shovel = Bus to Whitehawk (insert any estate with bad rep).
Not firing on all cylinders - stupid.


Of interest for the old stuff is Grouses Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue 1811

It's available on Gutenberg and Kindle for free.
Thanks for the references Sculptor1.

I have heard "Bent as a nine-bob note" here in Aus - some expressions are so good they travel that far. And "bob" translated, post-1966, into decimal currency to mean 10 cents. I went to school with a Robert Roberts (btw there must be a word for parents who would name their child thus) - we called him Two Bob of course. And he was a spanner short. Also a good bloke.

Haven't heard of Whitehawk, but would catching the bus there be worse than being sent to Coventry?
Whitehawk is a estate of "social housing" in Brighton UK. So the "scum shovel" would be the 21Bus.

In LA it would be the RTD Line 10 to Watts.

For my money I'd rather go somehwhere I could buy drugs rather than have my friends not talk to me!
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Papus79
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Re: Funny curses

Post by Papus79 »

US southerners have this down to an art.

Awe... bless your heart! (you're a moron).
Jesus loves him/her! (no one else would).
Humbly watching Youtube in Universe 25. - Me
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