Entertain me! (Jokes? Stories? Facts?)

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Astro Cat
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Joined: June 17th, 2022, 2:51 am
Favorite Philosopher: Bernard dEspagnat
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Entertain me! (Jokes? Stories? Facts?)

Post by Astro Cat »

Hey y’all my girlfriend is running sound for a show and I’m just kinda hanging out by my lonesome. Not quite bored but not quite entertained either. Tell me something fun!
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool."
--Richard Feynman
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JackDaydream
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Re: Entertain me! (Jokes? Stories? Facts?)

Post by JackDaydream »

I try to see some funny things in everyday experience. One incident which made me laugh about a week ago was when I had been on a bus. I had been busy looking at my phone when I got on the bus and I realised I had left my carrier bag with a small amount of food shopping and the book which I was reading at the bus stop. I thought about getting the bus back, not sure if I whether someone would have picked it up. I decided that I would try because I wanted my book. When I got to the original stop what I discovered was there was no carrier but my book and box of cup of soups was on the bench of the stop. I was pleased my book was there and found it funny that whoever had found it wanted my other items of food and toilet roll but had decided to abandon the book and the box of soups.
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LuckyR
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Re: Entertain me! (Jokes? Stories? Facts?)

Post by LuckyR »

Joke from Last Tango in Halifax:

So, there's this fella and he's buying this face cream...

~ Yeah? ~ And he says to the woman behind the counter, "This stuff's marvellous. I've only been using it a few weeks. "You'll never guess how old I am."

And she says "Oh... 36?"

He says, "No, I'm 47!"

And she goes, "Oh, that's wonderful, I must try some of that myself."

Anyway, next off he goes on to the post office and he gets chatting to the fella
behind the counter and he says, "You want to try some of this face cream I've been using. "You'll never guess how old I am."

And the fella behind the counter says: "Oh... 35?"

He says, "No, I'm 47!"

And the fella behind the counter says, "Oh, that's wonderful. I'll have to get some of that myself."

And he's just leaving post office and he bumps into this little old lady.

Oh, aye.

And he says to her, "I bet you can't guess how old I am."

And she says, "Well, I probably can, but I'm just going to have to put "my hand down the front of your trousers."

And he's like, "Oh... OK."

So she puts her hand down inside his trousers and has a bit of a... rummage around.

And then, after two or three minutes, she says, "You're 47!"

And he says, "Good Lord, how do you know? How can you tell?"

And she says, "I was stood behind you in the chemist"
"As usual... it depends."
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Astro Cat
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Joined: June 17th, 2022, 2:51 am
Favorite Philosopher: Bernard dEspagnat
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Re: Entertain me! (Jokes? Stories? Facts?)

Post by Astro Cat »

JackDaydream wrote: August 28th, 2022, 4:34 pm I try to see some funny things in everyday experience. One incident which made me laugh about a week ago was when I had been on a bus. I had been busy looking at my phone when I got on the bus and I realised I had left my carrier bag with a small amount of food shopping and the book which I was reading at the bus stop. I thought about getting the bus back, not sure if I whether someone would have picked it up. I decided that I would try because I wanted my book. When I got to the original stop what I discovered was there was no carrier but my book and box of cup of soups was on the bench of the stop. I was pleased my book was there and found it funny that whoever had found it wanted my other items of food and toilet roll but had decided to abandon the book and the box of soups.
Haha did you feel judged that they left your book? :P

My car was broken into once and I had like 3 textbooks on the backseat. They took the worthless CD holder with worthless burned CDs and left the probably $200ish text books that were right next to it. I was basically like "well thanks for cleaning my car."
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool."
--Richard Feynman
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Astro Cat
Posts: 451
Joined: June 17th, 2022, 2:51 am
Favorite Philosopher: Bernard dEspagnat
Location: USA

Re: Entertain me! (Jokes? Stories? Facts?)

Post by Astro Cat »

LuckyR wrote: August 29th, 2022, 7:19 pm Joke from Last Tango in Halifax:

So, there's this fella and he's buying this face cream...

~ Yeah? ~ And he says to the woman behind the counter, "This stuff's marvellous. I've only been using it a few weeks. "You'll never guess how old I am."

And she says "Oh... 36?"

He says, "No, I'm 47!"

And she goes, "Oh, that's wonderful, I must try some of that myself."

Anyway, next off he goes on to the post office and he gets chatting to the fella
behind the counter and he says, "You want to try some of this face cream I've been using. "You'll never guess how old I am."

And the fella behind the counter says: "Oh... 35?"

He says, "No, I'm 47!"

And the fella behind the counter says, "Oh, that's wonderful. I'll have to get some of that myself."

And he's just leaving post office and he bumps into this little old lady.

Oh, aye.

And he says to her, "I bet you can't guess how old I am."

And she says, "Well, I probably can, but I'm just going to have to put "my hand down the front of your trousers."

And he's like, "Oh... OK."

So she puts her hand down inside his trousers and has a bit of a... rummage around.

And then, after two or three minutes, she says, "You're 47!"

And he says, "Good Lord, how do you know? How can you tell?"

And she says, "I was stood behind you in the chemist"
LMAO
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool."
--Richard Feynman
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Sy Borg
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Joined: December 16th, 2013, 9:05 pm

Re: Entertain me! (Jokes? Stories? Facts?)

Post by Sy Borg »

Astro Cat wrote: September 1st, 2022, 1:28 amI was pleased my book was there and found it funny that whoever had found it wanted my other items of food and toilet roll but had decided to abandon the book and the box of soups.
Maybe no surprise. Toilet rolls went from basic home item to "white gold" during COVID.
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JackDaydream
Posts: 3218
Joined: July 25th, 2021, 5:16 pm

Re: Entertain me! (Jokes? Stories? Facts?)

Post by JackDaydream »

Astro Cat wrote: September 1st, 2022, 1:28 am
JackDaydream wrote: August 28th, 2022, 4:34 pm I try to see some funny things in everyday experience. One incident which made me laugh about a week ago was when I had been on a bus. I had been busy looking at my phone when I got on the bus and I realised I had left my carrier bag with a small amount of food shopping and the book which I was reading at the bus stop. I thought about getting the bus back, not sure if I whether someone would have picked it up. I decided that I would try because I wanted my book. When I got to the original stop what I discovered was there was no carrier but my book and box of cup of soups was on the bench of the stop. I was pleased my book was there and found it funny that whoever had found it wanted my other items of food and toilet roll but had decided to abandon the book and the box of soups.
Haha did you feel judged that they left your book? :P

My car was broken into once and I had like 3 textbooks on the backseat. They took the worthless CD holder with worthless burned CDs and left the probably $200ish text books that were right next to it. I was basically like "well thanks for cleaning my car."
I was pleased to get my book. I sometimes think that it would help me declutter if someone came in and helped themselves to some of my books and music. My clutter would probably be like a scarecrow though because I sometimes have to find a pathway through the maze.
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Pattern-chaser
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Posts: 8265
Joined: September 22nd, 2019, 5:17 am
Favorite Philosopher: Cratylus
Location: England

Re: Entertain me! (Jokes? Stories? Facts?)

Post by Pattern-chaser »

My all-time favourite joke is one that most people don't find at all funny. Oh, well. I offer it here, for your consideration.

Q: What is the difference between a duck?

A: One leg is both the same!

🤣
Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"
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