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Risper Ouma Lisa Anyango wrote: ↑April 28th, 2024, 12:02 pm
Hi Scott
If you found out that your partner was a narcissistic person. What would you do about it?
Hi,
Risper Ouma Lisa Anyango,
Thank you for your question!
This question is very vague and unclear as written. In the future, it would be helpful if you provided more details and specifics. That is for your sake much more than mine, because it's your loss most of all if I misunderstand your question and answer a different question than what you meant, or otherwise cannot answer it fully and directly because it's lacking in details, specifics, and examples. So my polite and happy tip to you when asking future questions is to also provide some details, specifics, and examples. For example, a second sentence starting, "For example, XYZ," goes a long way in specifying what the preceding sentence meant so that it's properly understood.
With that said, I can interpret your question in three different ways:
1. "If you believe your romantic partner has a diagnosed mental disorder that you alone have successfully diagnosed them with, what would you do?"
2. "If your romantic partner went to a psychiatrist seeking help, and the psychiatrist diagnosed them with narcissism, and they told you about it, what would you do?"
3. "If your romantic partner went to a psychiatrist seeking help, and the psychiatrist diagnosed them with narcissism, and you became aware of that diagnosis, despite them not being honest with you about it (e.g. you overheard them talking to their therapist about it while sneakily eavesdropping on them talking privately to their therapist), what would you do?"
Those are three very different questions with three very different answers.
I could answer more elaborately if I knew which of the three applied to your case and what you meant to ask. However, I will briefly answer all three now:
1.
"If you believe your romantic partner has a diagnosed mental disorder that you alone have successfully diagnosed them with, what would you do?"
This would never happen to me because, as I explained in
this previous answer, I adhere to the following principle, which I also strongly advise all my mentees to adhere to:
Do NOT diagnose anyone with any mental condition or disorder unless you are an accredited psychiatrist (or psychologist, etc.) with a doctorate AND the person is your patient.
Even if you (or I) were an accredited psychiatrist with a doctorate, it would be an utter violation of my teachings for you (or I) to diagnose our own romantic partner, or our own self, or anyone in our own family, or our roommate, or anyone with whom we have a personal relationship or otherwise who isn't our formal patient.
You would be too involved with them and too close to the situation to make an objective, unbiased assessment.
***
2.
"If your romantic partner went to a psychiatrist seeking help, and the psychiatrist diagnosed them with narcissism, and they told you about it, what would you do?"
In this case, I would handle it with roughly the same pattern I would handle it if my partner was an alcoholic who, on their own (without being prompted by me), admitted to me they were an alcoholic and went to AA meetings regularly.
In another analogy, I would handle it with roughly the same pattern I would handle it if my partner was a cheating sex addict and/or a pathological liar who, all on their own (without prompting or pressure by me), admitted to me that they had been cheating and that they were a sex addict and/or pathological liar who needed professional help but was not going to get that professional help (e.g. by going to therapy and going to sex addict anonymous meetings, etc.).
In another analogy, I would handle it with roughly the same pattern I would handle it if my partner was a pedophile who, all on their own (without prompting or pressure by me), admitted to me that they were a pedophile and that they were seeking professional help and treatment for that.
In those cases, if the person was exceptionally honest about it and I found out about it only because they are so honest and want to change it about themselves, then there's a slight tiny chance that I would be willing to stay with them for a bit as a trail run to give them a hesitant chance to make that change via the professional help they are choosing (on their own with no pressure from that they get it), in some cases when it comes along with an unlikely confluence of other factors that make that plausible. In terms of addiction and most mental disorders (e.g. narcissism, psychopathy, pedophilia, sex addition, abusive anger problem, pathological dishonesty, etc.), people rarely change, and I don't try to change my partner, and I recommend you never try to change your partner. But if the person on their own admits to having the trait and on their own decided to seek professional help to change it, I
might (along with a confluence of other factors) hand around long enough to see if it appears to be working.
Keep in mind that the above descriptions do NOT apply if I (or you) had caught the person on our own and/or had they otherwise been backed into a corner, so to speak, meaning either there's either a good chance they are not totally and exceptionally honest or that they don't really want to change themselves or get professional help but are just being pressured or forced into it by external circumstance (e.g. court order or your nagging or the threat of you leaving them otherwise). That's because if the person had been caught somehow (e.g. they just got a DUI, or you walked in on them sleeping with someone else, or you walked in on them looking at a disturbing type of porn), then their would-be 'admission' is not an act of honesty, and their alleged promises to get help are almost certainly just more dishonesty and manipulation.
In other words, if their alleged problem had been revealed by accident rather than proactive honesty, that's a totally different story.
Proactive honesty would mean a lot.
There is a reason that "be honest" is literally the very first of the eleven numbered suggestions at the end of my book.
Here are some posts that further explain how important honesty is:
(Q&A) How do you handle a salesperson who loses money twice?
(Q&A) Can the qualities you look for in the people you hire (e.g. honesty, self-discipline, self-responsibility, graciousness, etc.) be spotted in a job interview?
99% of the time someone says they cannot do something, they are lying to me and/or themselves.
(Facebook Post) The Four Agreements
(Q&A) When hiring people, what are the personal and professional qualities that you think are most critical?
What are your core values, and how do they manifest in your life?
(Tweet) Love requires honesty.
(Tweet) A person who lies... can no longer love.
(Tweet) Every time you are dishonest, you make fear more important than love.
(Tweet) Kindness without honesty is manipulation.
Post: Most humans are dishonest.
I've said this many times, including in some of the posts above, and likewise, I will say it again now:
In all relationships, including professional, personal, and romantic ones, honesty is the most important thing.
If my partner has been utterly and consistently honest with me, then that would be a huge factor in how I move forward.
Otherwise, I would almost certainly cut them out of my life immediately, namely by breaking up with them or divorcing them. In that case, I would typically recommend going 'no contact', or as close to it as you reasonably can, as fast as you can. Otherwise, among other risks that come with being in contact with a toxic person, you might get seduced by their dishonest manipulation, such as their phony apologies and deceiving promises to change.
So, in short, unless the person has
both (1) a proven long-time track record of being consistently extremely and brutally honest with you,
and (2) was 100%
proactively honest to you about this newly revealed problem (as opposed to getting caught or otherwise getting backed into a corner), I would immediately cut them out of life and go no-contact with them.
Usually, the above question and answer would only apply if the relationship was very new, or if the person truly and honestly only just realized they have a problem/addiction/etc.. That's mainly because otherwise they would have presumably had to use dishonesty to cover up the problem from you.
If they have ever lied to you about anything, the above answer doesn't really apply. Because then you have a second additional problem (the lying) on top of the first, so even if you might have just barely looked past or gotten past the first issue had it only been that, the second problem that is the lying on top of it is the nail in coffin. It would be just foolish to truth that person and invest any more in that relationship in that case. Generally speaking, for me, lying of any kind is a deal-breaker when it comes to relationships, both professional one and romantic ones and most others.
***
3.
"If your romantic partner went to a psychiatrist seeking help, and the psychiatrist diagnosed them with narcissism (or some other severe malignant or dangerous mental disorder such as being a sex addict, a pedophile, a psychopath, a physical abuser, etc.), and you became aware of that diagnosis, despite them aiming to hide it from you and them not being honest with you about it (e.g. you overheard them talking to their therapist about it while sneakily eavesdropping on them talking privately to their therapist), what would you do?"
In that case, I would strongly recommend you cut them off immediately. Immediately go 'no contact' with them, or as close to it as you can.
If you aren't married, break up with them. If you are married, divorce them.
If you live with them, move out right away.
If you have kids, take the kids; don't let the dishonest, dangerous, or malignant person see the kids, and file multiple restraining orders and court orders immediately to ask the court to order that the person can't see or communicate with you or the kids without supervision. Even if the court doesn't ultimately grant that request, the fact that you filed it will show you acted in good faith when you withheld contact with the kids in the interim (rather than that you were just being a spiteful ex acting vengefully).
The person is a dishonest liar, so don't believe anything they say after you break up with them and cut them off. Don't answer the phone when they call. Avoid any communication at all, and whatever little is impractical to avoid, have it done in writing, not over the phone or in person.
In practice, this principle holds true when you are in a romantic relationship with someone:
once a liar, always a liar; once a cheater, always a cheater; once an addict, always an addict.
Even if a person is going to change or something like that, it's generally going to require they first hit rock bottom, and even after that, it will be a slow, grueling process that will only be hindered by having a potential toxic enabler (i.e. you) in their life. When addicts finally get cured, they also tend to get all new friends and such. Toxic relationships have a certain stability to them, so long as the toxic person(s) remain toxic and the relationship remains toxic. Relationships typically don't survive a toxic or mentally disordered person hitting rock bottom and then (slowly) getting cured. If you stay with them, either (1) they won't get cured, or (2) the relationship will get worse and more toxic and still end, or (3) both of those.
I believe that roughly 99.9% of the time, if you stay with an addict, cheater, liar, etc. in the hopes that they will change, with the plan of helping them change, you will actually be a toxic enabler, and your choice to stay will actually prolong them hitting rock bottom and push them even lower.
If you like them the way they are and want them to stay the way they are, then stay with them and keep the relationship going. Otherwise, end it. Leave.
The more people enable an addict, liar, cheater, abuser, etc. in the false name of helping them and in the false name of love and kindness, the more they prolong that rock bottom and the worse things get. When someone doesn't have enablers, they tend to hit emotional rock bottom sooner without as much actual external devastation, and thus they turn their life around before it gets as bad as it would if they had enablers. Having enablers makes it so the person goes to even deeper and worse extremes before hitting rock bottom and finally turning things around, which most never ever do anyway. Most—almost all—just keep going down further towards an unreachable rock bottom, and they just get enabled and worse until they die, even if it's of old age.
If #3 is the situation you are in, get out now.
You're probably an addict too, in that case, in that you are likely in a toxic codependent relationship, meaning you are addicted to the relationship and/or the other person.
Drop it like a terrible, horrible bad habit.
Act like it's cigarettes and it's killing you.
Don't take even one more inhale.
Get out. Far out. Don't argue about it with the person. Don't negotiate. Leave and cut off contact.
Accept financial losses. Accept discomfort. Accept social embarrassment.
Admit that you have a problem. Admit that you are an addict too. Get professional help. See a psychologist or trained therapist at least weekly, if not more. Move in with someone who will be a good influence—a close, good, healthy friend or family member. Treat it like you are an alcoholic, and even sending one text message to that person is like taking a sip of alcohol.
They are toxic, and you are addicted.
They aren't going to change, at least not with you still in their life. Thinking they will change is like being an alcoholic and thinking they can find a healthy alcohol to drink that won't make them hungover. It doesn't exist.
Even if they had been exceptionally honest, it would have been like ice skating uphill. But with the dishonesty added in, with them being a liar added in, it's futile. Leave. Cut off contact. Cut them out of your life.
Don't argue, debate, or negotiate it with them at all.
Don't even discuss it politely in detail with them.
Just leave. If you live together, just move out without telling them if you can. You can just leave a polite note or send a quick polite text after you've moved your stuff and reached safety:
- "I know you have been having an affair. I moved out. Do not contact me. Take care."
OR:
- "I know you are a diagnosed narcissist and have been lying to me about it. I don't trust you. I moved out. Don't contact me."
Keep all communication in writing and to an utter minimum. Go 'no contact' if possible, or as close to it as reasonably possible.
Don't leave them and/or go no contact or such as a means to punish them, get revenge, or sadistically make them feel bad or guilty or to manipulate them into changing or wanting to change promoting. No, that would be manipulative, dishonest, and abusive. It would be total violation of my teachings, especially in regard to those about forgiveness and non-resentment and love vs hate. Instead, remember that you are going no contact because it is the most loving thing to do and to protect yourself (and your kids if you have any). It's also typically going to be best and kindest for your partner, like ripping off a bandaid. Yes, it will probably hurt and.or anger them greatly in the short-term, but over the long-term it will probably be the only way to hurt them and anger them the least. You want to consider (most of all) what is kind, loving, and best for you, not them, because you want to clean your own backyard first and focus on total self-responsibility rather than taking responsibly for others, but even if you were worried solely about them and solely about their best interests (and yours none at all), it will still be best and kindest to just rip that bandaid off and leave them with no negotiation and little explanation and then go no contact.
Gray rock them. Don't take their calls. Don't agree to see them in person. Even if they send you nasty or enticing text messages or such, don't respond. Don't get baited. Don't feel like you need to explain, justify, or rationalize your decisions to them at all. Don't feel like you need to answer their questions. Don't feel like you even need to respond to their questions to tell them you won't be answering. You don't need to explain why you are leaving them, and they don't need to accept it. You don't need to explain anything to them, and they don't need to understand it. Let it all go.
When cutting a liar or dishonest person out of your life, you don't owe them a detailed explanation. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship; people know that, and if they pretend to not get that already or otherwise seem like they don't understand, it's irrelevant. Don't explain yourself. Don't argue, negotiate, or debate with them about it. Talking with a liar is like wrestling with a pig in the mud, but less fun for you. Don't waste your breath or time, or take the risks that come with it. Just don't do it at all.
Even if there is some practical need to contact them, do it in writing and keep it extremely polite, extremely concise, and completely on-topic.
Keep in mind, most likely my answer above does not apply to you at all. It only applies if the person has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist/psychologist that they have been seeing as a formal patient and went out of their way to hide it from you or lie to you about it and somehow you found out anyway. That seems extremely unlikely, so most likely one of the other two of the three answers applies for you or none of them do.
However, feel free to re-ask your question providing more specifics so instead of three guesses at what the situation might be I can answer in regard to the one thing it actually is (unless I got it right with one of my three guesses).
With love,
Eckhart Aurelius Hughes
a.k.a. Scott
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In addition to having authored his book, In It Together, Eckhart Aurelius Hughes (a.k.a. Scott) runs a mentoring program, with a free option, that guarantees success. Success is guaranteed for anyone who follows the program.